Naruto indahouse
by Thugs Bunny 009
Summary: He had made so many choices, so many career-defying choices, but were those really his? Was he in the driver seat making those choices? Or was it someone else? Someone who had come before him? Well he had a whole evolving world, and nothing but time to figure it out. He would be his own man. Troll Naruto - Anti-hero Naruto - Comedy based fic
1. Shoo, Pigs

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Bleach.**

* * *

**You Can Never Keep a Good Man Down**

**Chapter One **

**Shoo, Pigs!**

The crescent moon shone on a peaceful enough little town.

A single-decker bus pulled up at a bus stop, the driver opening its doors to allow only a couple of people off of the bus, merely because it was night-time and it was the last bus for the night anyway.

One man clearly stuck out from the other nondescript man who'd walked alongside him for coincidence sake for merely a few seconds before disappearing elsewhere.

Still as young as the day he and his brethren had defeated the powerful successor of Indra, the immortal one's hair still had that strikingly bright yellow hue to it; so bright one believe he was a Super Saiyan. His eyes even had the exact same stunning ocean blue colour to them like a Super Saiyan.

His ever present whisker-marks still lined his cheeks, three on each side and his skin was still tanned as ever, giving him the appearance of an American.

On Naruto's right palm was a symbol of the sun tattooed on it.

Gone was his old orange jumpsuit, the Uzumaki wore a plain orange tank top, his clan's patented red swirl mark printed on the back and his old village's signature symbol, a six-styled leaf engraved on the front of the top. A darkish blue pair of jeans, black sunglasses with an orange tint to the lenses were over his eyes, blue sneakers, and lastly, but not least, a sack-bag was coolly settled on his shoulder.

Naruto Uzumaki raised his head, taking in the street-lights of Karakura Town, "Not too shabby, dis is alright."

Of course Naruto had probably seen it before at some point in his long life.

He had been all around the world doing what he could to keep the world afloat while bidding to separate himself from his predecessor.

Naruto got mixed feelings when he learned he had a divine man's chakra sleeping dormant within him. On one hand, it was pretty damn humbling if he does say so himself to be told from a God – technically his great father – that he himself was a descendant of a heavenly shinobi.

On the other hand Naruto didn't like the feeling of being someone else.

Was all those decisions he made in his life really his?

Could Naruto say that really?

What of Naruto's desire to be Hokage, what of Naruto's nindo way to follow the straight and narrow, what of Naruto's declaration to smack some sense into Neji and teach him destiny don't mean squat, which it does since Naruto's the chosen one and an ancestral son of a God, what of Naruto's love for ramen…

Whoa. That was his. Naruto doesn't care. He loved ramen because he did.

But the point was, was all these decisions he made really his own or were they Ashura's.

Was Naruto really his own man or was he just an extension of Ashura like the powerful Sasuke Uchiha was an extension of Indra?

Naruto's only goal now in his long, endless life was to be his own man, one way, or the other.

Naturally, Naruto had been all but alone on his never-ending journey to enlightenment. He had seen some good friends die, ones he would even go as far as to say they were family, but it hadn't weaken his resolve to become someone he could respect.

The blond met a lot of new people as the world around him evolved from the simple life it once was. Bigger buildings, advanced machinery, rectangular contraptions with four wheels on the bottom known as vehicles, like the bus he just walked out of, normal-non-violent schools were built for kids to gain a normal education, and ways to travel to the moon was invented among other handy devices.

Evolution was bless.

With the world evolving meant more places for Naruto to explore and more people to meet; at least for a while. Just until they either died or he decided to skedaddle off to a next country to call home for a few years.

It wasn't like the blond wanted the little tykes he witnessed grow up into sometimes respectable adults or hardened criminals depending on their upbringings looking at him and realizing he hadn't aged a day.

"Another lost ghost?" The blond sighed, catching sight of a little boy. He looked like an illusion, floating near a lamppost looking melancholic, "Damn. Dis town sure is packin with spirit energy."

As these words left Naruto's mouth, the man picked up on the not-so-subtle scornful-filled chakra. It was kind of similar to that of a biju, but obviously infinitely inferior. It wasn't even Tenten-level, let alone Shakuku-level.

"Might wanna get outta here tyke," Naruto advised, his expression a cool, nonchalant one, "Bogeyman's out lookin for snacks."

The spirit boy looked up in shock at being called, his trembling finger pointing at himself, as his eyes stared at Naruto, "Y-You c-can s-see m-."

"**Grrr! Me hungry, me eat you up!**" A deep gravel, raspy aggressive voice declared, startling the young boy, "**Hmm! The reiatsu around here… it's delicious! I must have it now!**"

At the end of the backstreet stood a sickly coal black skinned ghostly boar-esque creature, with a white bony mask over its face, it had two eyes resembling that of black holes, voids with no emotion other than two menacing yellow gleams observing the frightened spirit and a grimacing Naruto.

The spirit was frozen solid, "Ahhh! It's a monster!"

"**Kukuku. I dunno what you are, thing, a shinigami, or a hollow in disguise, because with that level of reiatsu you have there's no way you could be a mere human. Oh well,**" The creature shrugged and then rocked the ground by slamming its two fists off of the ground, its mouth opening wide, "**I will fry you now, and devour you whole! Prepare to be absorbed into my being… Thing!**"

"Sorry, there Wacko, but dis human ain't on the menu," Naruto quipped coolly, jerking his thumb at himself, a frown on his face.

What was reiatsu?

Was that glowing red ball the ghostly boar thing was charging up in its mouth reiatsu?

Maybe.

"WATCH OUT, MISTER!" The boy alerted as the creature launched its red beam of death at Naruto.

"**Cero**."

The beam of energy forcefully got its trajectory changed the moment it got within range of Naruto, firing off skyward on a one-way destination to the moon; Naruto's free arm raised horizontally.

"…"

"…"

"…Wow."

"**W-What are you**?"

"Jeez someone could use a hearin aid," Naruto said lazily, slowly bending down and picking up a small pebble, "I told ya I'm human and ya still didn't get the picture. What? Do I have to send ya a memo or sumthin?"

The creature was furious, **"Don't you dare insul-."**

Before the spirit kid's eyes, the creature just exploded in a shower of sickly black blood the moment Naruto blindly, rapidly, flicked his thumb against his index finger, the pebble no longer on his hand.

"Wow, mister that was incredible!" The spirit kid enthused.

"Dat?" Naruto wondered, "Dat was nuthin. Any fool worth his salt coulda done the same thing. Trust me."

The spirit kid gasped. That was implying this man, no, superhero, could do even more. The kid nodded his head rapidly, excitement coursing through his veins at standing next to such a powerful man.

'Jeez, it's almost like lookin at myself,' Naruto mused, an odd look on his whiskered-face.

Naruto's senses alerted him to another approaching reiatsu signature, although it wasn't any threat to him so the blond didn't even bother putting up his guard.

"What's the matter mister?" The kid wondered curiously.

The spirit kid didn't have to wait long as a dark-skinned man leaped over the wall of someone else's back garden.

His warrior-like gear of a black shihakusho, white obi, wooden sandals, and a katana-like sword sheathed to his hip was not what caught Naruto's attention.

It was his stylish looking brown bushy afro.

"Nice trim," Naruto complimented, the man scowling as he matched up to the spirit kid who fidgeted reflexively seeing the grumpy look on the man's face.

"Damn spiritually aware humans always bothering me on my job!" The afro-guy griped, his words of choice fascinating Naruto, who observed the afro-guy unsheathe his katana, "Damn it kid! You shouldn't be out here! The elites have work to do, now rest in peace already!"

The man turned his sword around, rapping the hilt of his Zanpakuto into the kid's forehead. The confused spirit kid felt a heavenly blue glow appear around his body, hypostatizing him. All of the boys worries and fears were washed away as the strange glow carried him away to a better place.

Naruto whistled, "Ah. Impressive. Where'd ya send that little pip tweak samurai-guy?"

"Yo! Don't just assume what I am? You can't be doing that! I'm Zennosuke Kurumadani, a shinigami, aka a God of Death… ugh! Don't you weird spiritually aware humans know anything?" Zennosuke yelled in annoyance.

Naruto cleaned out his ear, "Gee. Whaddya think? It's not like I get the personal pleasure of meeting a so-called Death God every day, y'know."

"Tch. You might get the privilege of meeting the greats like me once you die and someone, probably me, has to perform a konso on you!" Zennosuke said, turning around and grumpily walking off, feeling like he was too good to be interacting with Naruto.

"Konso? I take it dat's you Death Gods' passageway to let dead folks in heaven eh?" Naruto guessed, "Is there any more of you guys around town or is it just ya tonite?"

"How should I know!? Geez!" Zennosuke shouted, "Like I would discuss anything with a weird human!"

"Uh. What a douchebag dat was," Naruto muttered idly, Zennosuke matching off into the distance.

Using his free hand, Naruto scratched the top of his spiky yellow hair, "I bet if I scout the area with my senses, I can find some other Death Gods around here."

Naruto didn't particularly care about challenging a God death since Naruto already knew he was one of the most powerful men on the planet, or finding out whatever that black creature, which he had eradicated, was since it was none of his business… Naruto was just keen to meet new people discovering how deep the rabbit hole goes so to speak.

Long story short Naruto was bored and needed something to do.

Naruto looked off to his right with a grin, "Ah, if I didn't know any better I say a couple of Death Gods are throwin down," Their energy signatures felt distinctively similar, but then why would God Deaths want to fight each other?

Weren't they meant to be comrades?

Naruto frowned, "Dope. Seems there's more to these dudes of death then first perceive eh," A smirk came to his face as he smacked his fist into his palm, "Alrighty then. I have a lookie for myself. Dat' O way it is then!"

XxX

(Elsewhere - Location Unknown)

XxX

"Is that all you've got human? Heh. You should just give up. Save yourself the effort kid," A red haired man who wore a black shihakusho of the shinigami boasted, standing tall with a katana coolly held on his shoulder. His hair was shaped in a ponytail and he had binoculars over his tribal-like markings on his forehead and wooden sandals on his feet.

"Shaddap and fight!" The red haired man's opponent growled back at him, smacking a huge broadsword the size of his body against the man's sword.

He wore the black kimono, white obi, hakama, and wooden sandals of the shinigami. His eyes, burning with an intense resolve to defeat the red haired man, were of a hazel colour. His orange spiky hair, which often made him the subject of kids' jibes, was spiky and wild, rebellious-like in nature, though the boy had a perfect attendance record at school.

"And here I was thinking I was holding up your inevitable death," The red, pineapple headed man jeered, "Good will really doesn't get you anywhere eh kid."

The boy brought his broadsword down with thunderous force on the red haired man's sword, "You don't know when to shaddap, huh?" Despite this, the orange haired teen allowed a smirk of confidence to grace his features, "But don't worry, partner, I'm still gonna send you and your scrawny comrade running with your tails between your legs back to Soul Society! You won't take Rukia!"

The red haired man's arrogant grin dropped from his face to be replaced by a furious scowl, "Don't make me laugh human! As if you could beat an lieutenant of the Gotei 13! No way! Not even in your dreams!"

"Guess we'll see for ourselves," The young defender replied easily, oozing confidence despite being outmatched two to one. Rukia was of no help obviously, all her power was in him.

And the redheaded man's comrade didn't think double teaming the hot-shot teenager whom Soul Society had gotten wind of was even necessary.

The orange haired teen gritted his teeth.

He would show that asshole brother of Rukia's!

And he would protect Rukia no matter what!

Even if he would have to risk his soul!

"Aaarrrggggghhhh!" Letting out a war-cry, the teen raised his broadsword with two hands, forcing it down, the red haired man holding out his sword to parry, but got his guard broken as his hands flapped downwards.

He then ate a nasty rotating leaping kick to the jaw, twisting his head to the side.

The teen was not done there. Lifting up his elbow, he wedged it directly into his opponent's cheek, knocking saliva from his mouth and frustrating him greatly.

'Damn! It's like this human just got stronger all of a sudden!' The red haired man mused in exasperation. He could feel a sandaled foot implanting on his stomach, then he was forcefully thrusted back on the balls of his feet, 'Well two can play that game!' The shinigami assured, "Stop trying! You can't beat a vice-captain with stolen power, fraud!"

Rukia flinched at her childhood friend's declaration.

'Renji's a vice captain now. Can Ichigo really beat him?' Rukia contemplated with a hint of worry within her beautiful purple orbs. Her longish black hair fell to her shoulders, a strand of her black hair fell in between her eyes, she wore a light blue dress reaching her knees, and black high heels on her feet.

Rukia turned her eyes onto Renji's comrade, the man who adopted her and gave her the name Kuchiki, Byakuya Kuchiki, 'And what about nii-sama?' A look of sadness appeared on Rukia's face, but her brother would not even spare her glance with those steely cold eyes of his.

As a noble Byakuya kept his hair done up with three intricate headpieces, had a fancy scarf wrapped around his neck, wore black fingerless gloves on his hands, and wore the normal shinigami shihakusho with the addition of a white haori with the symbol for captain on his back. His weapon resembled a katana like Renji's, and Byakuya too wore wooden sandals on his feet.

'Ichigo, you stupid dummy! You should've just stayed away! There's no way you can beat Renji and nii-sama at the same time! Ugh! You're so stubborn dummy,' Rukia stressed.

Even as the petite fugitive shinigami berated Ichigo harshly, she could not keep the concern off of her face knowing what was most likely going to happen.

Ichigo was putting up a valiant effort to defend Rukia, already doing far better than his rival had done.

Said rival was KO'd in little more than five minutes by the powerful lieutenant of the Gotei 13, and his reward for his brave attempt at protecting a helpless girl was a harsh resting spot on the unforgiving concrete ground.

"Who knows," Ichigo shrugged, abruptly ducking under a wild, belligerent strike from Renji, "Guess we'll just have to find out eh."

Renji was beginning to shake with anger. Who did this thieving human think he was, huh? The nerve of him to put himself on Renji's level, _a _lieutenant of the Gotei 13, for crisis' sake! There was no way this fraud could defeat him.

NO WAY!

A beastly smirk crossed Renji's face.

He was going to relish killing Ichigo, "That's it. You're gonna die human!" Clashing his sword with Ichigo's, the hot-headed vice-captain powered Ichigo's guard open, Ichigo's arms flailing to the side.

With panic written on his face, Ichigo reflexively bent his body backwards, whiskers away from getting his face shredded to pieces by Renji.

"Argh!" Renji roared, lifting up his katana above his head, "What now, human?!" Renji slammed his sword towards a panic-stricken Ichigo, who instinctively straightened his one and barely blocked Renji's strike.

Ichigo could feel the strain in his arms.

His shoulders almost popped out of place as Renji once again rapped his sword against his one.

Ichigo was left on the defence, his feet sliding back from the power of Renji's wild, aggressive strikes.

"What's wrong impostor? You seem to be having a little trouble!" Renji taunted.

'He's right! I'm gonna get forced over at this rate!' Ichigo thought with a grit of his teeth.

Unfortunately, Ichigo didn't get the time to work out a strategy, probably a good thing since he wasn't much of a strategist anyway. He felt like a big, solid stone had come crashing thunderously down on his foot, forcing him to let out a pained grunt.

Looking down, Ichigo could see it was only Renji's foot, for roughly a second since Renji took advantage of Ichigo's lapse in concentration, driving his elbow directly into Ichigo's face and turning his head to the side.

A knee launched by Renji went into Ichigo's thorax, making Ichigo spit out blood as he dropped to his knees, his broadsword falling out of his grip. He tried to reach for it with all the resolve he could muster.

"It's over!" But Renji had enough and with one blinding strike, Renji sliced Ichigo's shoulder open, blood shooting out of Ichigo's shoulder like a water fountain.

"Ichigo!" Rukia yelled, trying to run to Ichigo's side. A grip on her smooth, skinny cream-coloured ankle halted her progress to Ichigo. Naturally she turned her head in the direction of the hand gripping her ankle and found a barely unconscious Uryu shaking his head at her.

"Don't go," The bleeding Quincy, the last one of his proud race, managed.

"Uryu," Rukia replied softly.

"Fool!" Renji berated Ichigo, standing tall and imposing, his legs spread apart and his sword held on his shoulder, "Rukia came out here on her own just to see to it that you, worthless human scum, stayed safe! The least you could have done is hid off in some cave fool!"

Ichigo's eyes widened at the info, his head turning to look in Rukia's direction who had bent on her knees to check on the injured Uryu, "Rukia…"

Renji grimaced. How dare this disgusting human say Rukia's name.

"Dumbass," Renji said, booting Ichigo in his chin and ploughing Ichigo from his stomach onto his back with blood shooting from his mouth, "If you were really so serious about defeating me for _Rukia _then you should've at least called forth your Zanpakuto's name!"

At this, the fierce glare on Ichigo's face withered away, the boy pushing himself on his arms to look at Renji with confusion evident on his face, "Name? Zanpakutos have names?" Ichigo looked at his massive broadsword in wonder. He knew about Zanpakutos, Rukia had told him that much. What she didn't tell him was that Zanpakutos had names.

All Ichigo knew about a Zanpakuto was that it was unique to a shinigami and they used them to either banish hollows to hell or purify them of their sins, if those sins were redeemable. If not then the sinful hollow would spend the rest of its dead days in the flames of hell. And of course shinigamis also used their Zanpakutos to send souls over to the Soul Society via konso.

Renji couldn't believe what he was hearing. This kid was so pathetic.

"Amateur, you're such an amateur! You're telling me you've been impersonating as a shinigami for this long and don't even know that much!" Renji spat with disgust on his face, "What a waste of my time! You wasn't even worth the effort kid."

Ichigo scrunched up his face in desperation.

He couldn't lose here.

He couldn't bear to see Rukia taken away from him!

Rukia had sacrificed her powers just to see to it that him and his family were safe.

It couldn't end like this!

"Woo! You got dat ass of yours whooped!"

Looks of surprise appeared on the faces of Ichigo, Renji, and Rukia at the sound of a rather leisured, cocky voice. Even Rukia's nii sama, Byakuya, turned deadly, cold eyes skywards, the direction of where the mocking voice had come from.

Just crouching in such a relaxed fashion on a tall lamppost was a blond haired man wearing orange tinted sunglasses.

"Shaddap! Whaddya know, blondie!" Ichigo raged.

Even beaten up as he was, Ichigo wasn't going to let anyone talk smack to him without resorting just as wittily.

Naruto laughed, "Wooo! I know ya just got the smackdown brought down on your ass, chump."

"Hey, it ain't my fault that I ain't had any training with a sword! You're expecting me to take on an experienced shinigami with just swinging my Zanpakuto around like a hobo smoking crack!" Ichigo whined comically, before adding in dry, sarcastic humour, "Yeah. That would totally make me invincible."

"Dat's one way to look at it," Naruto agreed, nodding his head sagely, then looked at Byakuya and Renji with a condescending smile on his face, "But even still, sorry to lay it on ya heavy, but they don't look all dat to me."

Renji scowled at Naruto's taunt, but his captain Byakuya showed no signs that he had even acknowledged Naruto's insult.

"Well if you're so tough then why don't you try and take 'em on Mr All-Powerful!" Ichigo challenged.

"Okay," Naruto chirped, "It's 'bout time I stop yappin' my gums anyway, and show you cats how I roll," In one swift ultra, fast smooth motion, Naruto skilfully flipped into the air from the lamppost in a blur of movement, surprising every-one of his speed before he landed next to the downed Ichigo.

"What?" Renji yelled belligerently, even his normally stoic captain had a shocked look on his face, "How does a human move so fluidly, faster than the eye of a shinigami can see? It can't be possible. It's impossible! IMPOSSIBLE! YOU FREAK OF NATURE!"

"I guess dis human's higher up on the food chain than ya expected huh?" Naruto said nonchalantly, sack-bag still held on his shoulder.

"Don't mock me human!" Renji yelled, flying off of the handle as he rushed Naruto, "No human can beat a lieutenant. Freaky speed or not! You're done!"

If one had X-ray vision, they would've noticed Renji's ribs cracking. Of course they wouldn't need to see inside of Renji to notice a huge amount of blood spewing forth from his mouth before he was sent rocketing away, "Arghhhh!"

Ichigo and Rukia were stunned beyond belief.

'He… defeated Renji… so effortlessly,' Rukia thought, not quite believing what she was seeing as Naruto lowered the offending leg he used to smash Renji away like a soccer ball.

"Just call me Naruinho," Naruto joked.

"How the hell did you do that?" Ichigo asked.

Ichigo looked to where Renji had been whacked to find shattered ground.

'This guy, he's good,' Ichigo finalized with a gulp.

Naruto simply shifted his head to Ichigo, "Oh dat's easy, I just lifted up my leg and knocked big mouth into next week with it."

Ichigo sighed deeply, "That's not what I meant."

Naruto grinned cheekily at Ichigo, "Then why did you ask?"

Ichigo wanted to grind his tempers, but he resisted, "Never mind."

Naruto guffawed. He had only just met the boy, and already he found him entertaining and interesting. He was brave trying to defend his girlfriend by himself, or at least that was how Naruto perceive it watching the orange haired boy getting the beat down by the red haired shinigami.

Naruto's grin turned mischievous at the fast incoming reiatsu signature. Leaning his upper body backwards, Naruto expertly back-flipped up, over the head of a stoic Kuchiki who had speedily blazed forward to blindside Naruto, thus taking him out and failed.

'The man's speed is at an extremely high level,' The Kuchiki observed while Ichigo and Rukia gawked at Naruto's sheer ability to dodge Byakuya while he wasn't even looking at him, 'It did not even sound like a Shunpo.'

"Whoa! How the heck did you do that?" Ichigo gaped.

Naruto turned his head to look at Ichigo, arrogantly ignoring Byakuya, "Y'know, I drink plenty of juice and eat a shit-ton of greens."

"That's what my sister's always saying! I just never actually bothered to heed her advice before." Ichigo told Naruto, feeling like an idiot for doubting Yuzu.

Naruto just shrugged with a grin.

"Such arrogance," Byakuya murmured, Naruto slowly shifting his head around to look at him, "That shall be your ultimate downfall in our fight."

"You're one to talk," Naruto laughed slightly, "You coulda just double-teamed dat kid over there with Mr stick-up-his-ass, and done what you had to do. Now, lookie here, you won't get shit done," Naruto shook his head before giving Byakuya a hard look of a veteran warrior, "Perhaps you should save da advice for yourself, pal. You might get da job done in future."

"Fool. Do not imply that I'm incapable of apprehending Rukia. I can assure you I am most qualified to uphold the law," Byakuya said stoically, making Rukia flinch.

"Rukia, eh," Naruto said with a mischievous glint in his eye and he turned around to look at the small pretty girl in the blue dress, "So dat's carrot-top's bird, eh. She's easy on the eyes if I do say so myself."

"What?" Ichigo and Rukia yelled.

"No need to deny it. The love you two got for each other is just oozing off of ya in spades," Naruto teased.

"WE'RE NOT IN LOVE!" Ichigo and Rukia shouted.

"Ha." Naruto chortled, "So you say, but if ya didn't love Rukia, Carrot-top, then why did ya rush out here to protect her?" Naruto wondered, holding his ear as if he were expecting an answer, "I'll tell ya why, it's 'cause you're bidding to nail her."

"Ugh! Doesn't he ever stop?!" Ichigo griped, "And the name's not carrot-top it's Ichigo!"

"Seen. In dat case my name's Naruto Uz-."

"**Scatter, Senbonzaku**-."

Byakuya was abruptly smacked down to the ground by a spin-kick from Naruto.

"Naruto Uzumaki," Naruto finished with a grin while Rukia couldn't stop gaping at him.

'Incredible. He's manhandling nii-sama so effortlessly, as if nii-sama was nothing but an academy student to him.' Rukia mused.

"Thanks, but I think I'll stick to Naruinho," Ichigo assured dryly, getting a thumbs-up from Naruto.

Naruto ambled up to Ichigo, the boy looking up at the tall man with confusion evident on his face before he found himself dragged to his feet by said man, "Hey!" Ichigo whined, not liking being manhandled. Now that he was up, he could see that he was shorter than Naruto.

Ichigo came up to Naruto's shoulder.

"Ichigo, was it?" Naruto asked in a calm tone of voice, getting Ichigo to nod dumbly at his change in demeanour, "I dunno what's goin' on but it seems em' dudes want your gal, so you better take her, and dat other guy and scram. Capish?"

Ichigo nodded in acknowledgement, deciding to ignore the fact that Naruto called Rukia his girlfriend again. She was his friend damn it! Not his girl!

"What about you though?" Ichigo asked in concern.

"What 'bout me?" Naruto asked in a uncaring manner, strolling over to the downed Uryu and helping him to his feet, getting a groan out of the boy for his troubles, "Hey, dude. Can you walk or what?"

"Yes, I can very much walk… Uzumaki, I believe," The Quincy said gruffly, holding his ribs.

Naruto smiled, "Dat's right."

"I thank you for your intrusion here. I believe Kurosaki and I had severely miscalculated the enemy's strength. This only resulted in our downfalls. It was a minor slip-up," Uryu explained, earning himself a roll of the eyes from Ichigo.

'Ah! He's worse than Sasuke was! Can't admit when he got his ass whooped,' Naruto snickered, "Ah. Don't worry 'bout it. We all make mistakes."

"Indeed," Uryu said, looking at the downed Byakuya, the man now beginning to shake off the cobwebs, "So I take it you've got things covered here Uzumaki."

"Aye, aye, junior!" Naruto saluted him.

Uryu gave him a nod and began limping up the slope.

"Uryu! Where are you heading? Are you sure you should be walking off by yourself in your condition!" Ichigo shouted.

"I'm heading home Kurosaki. Perhaps you should do the same. It's clear Uzumaki is more than a match for those shinigami-scums," The last Quincy stated.

"Uhhhh, okay," Ichigo drawled out.

Uryu made it up the slope and finally started on his painful journey home. The prideful Quincy would dwell on his pitiful defeat at the hands of a shinigami all night.

"Halt." Byakuya demanded, more so of Rukia than of Uryu as he rose to his feet and caused Ichigo to flinch, "I won't let you escape." Vanishing from sight, Byakuya ended up spinning around in a complete 360 twist in mid-air before dropping to the ground, Naruto's arm out stretched to the side, 'He was able to foresee my movements. What is this human?'

Ichigo's mouth was open agape. This guy was something else. While Ichigo himself struggled to even hit Renji, Naruto just came in there and toyed with both Death-Gods like they were nothing.

It hurt Ichigo's pride to see that he couldn't protect his friend with his own power, but at least with this blond guy on his side she wouldn't be going back to the Soul Society to receive an extremely harsh punishment just for saving him and his family. Now Ichigo had the chance to get stronger and protect Rukia with his own power.

'I will get stronger! I will.' Ichigo mused with a burning resolve in his eyes, watching Naruto coolly amble over to Byakuya and sit on his back, 'Thanks, Whiskers. You've given me this chance to get stronger, I won't let it pass through my fingers.' He was startled out of his thoughts by a subtle tap on his arm.

Looking to his side, Ichigo saw Rukia's stern expression, "Come on Ichigo, Naruto's right. We should get out of here." Ichigo nodded, full of determination while Rukia looked at her adoptive brother with sadness in her eyes, 'Nii-sama… I'm sorry.' Shaking off that thought, both Rukia and Ichigo gave thankful nods to Naruto before racing away.

"And they're outta here. Whaddya say we end dis party already. A good party can't end without someone on the floor," Naruto said, looking at Byakuya with a patronizing grin on his face, "Although it seems you're already drunken out."

"Do not think for one second that I shall not overcome you and hunt down Rukia," Byakuya informed, a tad angry expression coming to his usual emotionless face. A mere riff-raff was sitting on him, a noble clansman. Does this man have no respect for his betters?

The scum.

To think a lowly human could manhandle him, a noble clansman in such a way, it filled Byakuya with shame. Fortunately, Byakuya hid his shame by keeping his impassive mask.

"I shall uphold the law, the matter the cost." Byakuya stated.

"Haha. How are you gonna accomplish dat when you're being used as a chair. More specifically, the king's chair," Naruto mocked, causing Byakuya to scowl, "Or throne I shud say."

"**Roar, Zabimaru**!" Naruto heard Renji say, a flying chain-saw styled sword flying at him, "Get off Captain-Kuchiki human!"

"So those sword-whatchamajigs can change shape. Okay," Naruto muttered in a half-chirpy voice, leaping to his feet and dragging Byakuya to his feet, lining Byakuya between himself and the incoming weapon of Renji.

Zabimaru pierced through Byakuya's gut, much to Renji's horror.

"Captain-Kuchiki!" Renji's whole body was vibrating with anger as he withdrew his Zanpakuto in, "You bastard! You're gonna pay for that!"

"You keep talking the talk bucko," Naruto mumbled, silencing Byakuya with a casual punch in the back of his head. The stoic Kuchiki was slammed into the ground with so much force the ground split open from the sheer power Naruto packed into his punch.

"NO!" Renji shouted at the sight of his idol getting single-handedly annihilated by Naruto, the blond raising his foot to supposedly stomp on Byakuya's head, "You stay away from him human!" Renji was about to launch Zabimaru at Naruto, but was forced to hold himself off as the stoic captain of the sixth division was booted with ferocity at him instead.

"Captain-Kuchiki!" Renji yelled, preparing to catch his injured, unconscious captain. Both captain and lieutenant were sent skidding backwards from the momentum of which Byakuya was launched at. 'Damn! How could this human be so strong? He defeated Captain-Kuchiki without even breaking a sweat! Damn him! Damn him to hell!'

"Get outta here," Naruto said nonchalantly, earning himself a frustrated look from Renji, but Naruto only turned around and began ambling off somewhere to stay for the night, "You're not worth the effort. Do us all a favour and stay away from Rukia, would-cha?"

"Damn it! Do you think this is over human!?"

"Yes I do. Now shut your trap. You'll wake up the neighbours." Naruto's tone indicated that this conversation was as good as over.

Renji could do nothing but head back to the Soul Society and inform the head-captain of their failed mission.

* * *

Power-level

Base Naruto

Destructive power - Country level

Speed - Massively hypersonic plus


	2. Play for the Highest Bidder

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Bleach. If I did I would probably have modelled Naruto after Kazuma, from Kazu no Stigma. That dude's badass. Not even a tsundere can bring him down.**

**Okay, you know a character's badass when that cliche doesn't apply to him. **

* * *

**Chapter Two**

**Play for the Highest Bidder**

The morning rays of sunlight shot through the glass window of a small, nondescript but cosy looking room.

The blond rude man lying on the double bed of the room crinkled up his face in frustration before covering his forehead with his hand. Opening his eyes, the immortal saw a woman wearing a black and white outfit changing the trash bag within a bin.

"Hey, lady, do you mind?" The imprudent grouchy man asked, wearing no shirt and flexed his muscled chest to his audience. If one looked closely enough one would make out the green gem necklace wrapped around Naruto's neck.

The maid jumped out of surprise, then turned to look at Naruto, her face wrinkling up in disgust at the sight that greeted her.

"Me clean up room," She answered in a broken Japanese accent.

Naruto figured she must have been Chinese, a place which he had been to, so he decided to throw her a bone by speaking in her narrative tongue.

"You can at least wait 'till I've left. Damn."

The woman was startled that Naruto could speak such fluid mandarin. Despite that, she still didn't like the way he spoke, since it indicated that he was a ruffian. That, and his attitude was rather insufferable.

Typical of a vandal.

Taking the black bag she pulled out of the bin, the old maid hastily left the confines of Naruto's rented room.

"Crabby old bat," Naruto grumbled.

The blond reached for his sack bag which was by his bed, pulling it up and then opening it up, "What is it about old geezers and hags that just don't like me?" He had to wonder, burying his hand into his bag, his hand emerging with a silver pack, a lighter, and a small bag with something green in it.

"I'm gud," He paused to rethink that statement, "…Enough."

Wasn't that all what mattered? Naruto doesn't steal from anyone. He made his money from a client. And Naruto lent a helping hand to those in need… sort of.

Just ask Ichigo and Rukia.

He assisted them out of a right pickle yesterday; they would've been screwed if it wasn't for Naruto coming to their aid. Truth be told Naruto only went to their destination because he was bored and needed a punching bag to smack about, but still, that had to count for something.

"Oh well, screw 'em," Naruto said, by this point his legs were hanging over the bed so he could use the little table next to the bed which had a lamp on it as a leaning place to build his spliff.

A sudden shift made the bed jiggle slightly, Naruto feeling a pair of long lengthy smooth arms wrap around his neck, massaging his exposed muscle chest before a pair of breasts pressed themselves against his back.

"Baby, come back to bed," A nearly nude woman attempted to lure the blond in her best seductive voice.

"Do I get a freebie?"

His choice of words made the woman cringed, but she didn't let one little setback stop her, instead she laid on the lecherous tone of her voice a little bit heavy.

"Baby, I can give you a blowjob for half the price."

"Haha," Naruto chuckled heartily, "Get off of me hoe," Naruto shrugged the prostitute off of him, the woman backing away from him with a pout, "You ain't digging no more money out of me. Alright?"

"Aw," The prostitute moaned and Naruto was just about done rolling up his spliff, "Can I at least get a drag for the road?"

A wad of dollar bills was chucked into her face.

"My dope."

The woman pouted, but nonetheless got up from the bed and made her way to the door, grabbing a long black trench coat off of the coat-hanger before putting it on. After slipping on her high-heels, she cast a look at Naruto to see that the man had already spread out on the bed smoking his spliff.

She sighed and left him to it.

"Woo. Dat's good. Where was dis three hundred ago? I coulda done with dis, especially after the mission to the land of waves," Naruto said, filling up the room with the scent of weed, "It's almost as good as ramen."

A knocked echoed from his door.

"Sheesh. A bit early for guests," Naruto muttered to himself, "Hey, who that? If you ain't a pretty lady, just back up, turn around, and pretend like you didn't just come to this room."

The masculine voice which followed left the blond-man disappointed, "My apologises Uzumaki-sama, but I fear I am not a female. Despite that I come here bearing a mess-."

"Fuck-off."

"But Uzumaki-sama, my boss has an urgent message fo-."

"Did you not hear what I say?" Naruto asked rhetorically, taking another drag of his spliff, "Me no interested, comprende?"

"But Uzumaki-sam-."

"And stop kissing my ass," Naruto ordered in annoyance, "I don't even know where you heard my name anyway."

Silence reigned supreme, leaving only the sound of chirping birds.

"That's what I thought," Naruto said in a satisfied manner, inhaling another ounce of his weed.

"Uzumaki-sama."

An exasperated sigh reverberated through the room and into the open world.

"You're not gonna give up, are you?" Naruto asked.

"It's a matter of great urgency," The unknown polite man assured in his best grave tone of voice.

"Sorry, but I didn't get the email," Naruto grumbled in a sarcastic manner, standing up with the blanket slipping off of his bed, revealing a shrivelled-up condom on his private parts.

He threw that old thing off, put out his spliff before placing it on the table and grabbed his blue jeans which he had carelessly thrown on the one-seated sofa near the window and the door.

After putting on and bucking up his jeans, Naruto placed his hand on the doorknob, "This better be good," Naruto warned in a grumpy tone, turning the doorknob

"I can assure you it is of the utmost importance." A huge tan-skinned man reassured the blond Uzumaki. With his cornrow-styled hair, crowbar-moustache, thick round black glasses, white muscle shirt, green apron with a strange logo printed on it, blue jeans, and wooden sandals, Naruto figured he could be someone's butler.

"Man. If it's about the maid coming up in my room, then that wasn't my fault. That bi-."

"I can assure you I bear no acquaintance with this establishment Uzumaki-sama," The man said, ignoring the stench of cannabis emerging from the blond's room.

"Oh." Naruto said, "Then we're cool, unless you're here for something else," A nod of the head from the big butler-looking guy was Naruto's answer, "Okay. What brings you around here? I take it this isn't a social visit."

"My boss is aware of your encounter with one Kurosaki-san and Kuchiki-san last night and of your most crucial intervention," The man explained.

"Seen." Naruto made a noise of understanding, "Don't bust a nut genius, it was nuthin. I just happened to be passing through the neighbourhood."

"Yes, but you see where Kuchiki-san is originally from the high-ups will no doubt retaliate with a vengeance we fear," The butler interrupted hastily before the blond could declare the discussion over with.

"Reinforcements, eh," Naruto guessed in a dry tone.

"That is correct."

"Lemme guess, your ringleader wants to hire me."

"Again you are most correct Uzumaki-sama," The man said, Naruto shaking his head, a frown on his face and his hands on his hips.

"I don't work for free." Naruto told him.

"A fee can be worked out for your services, I can assure you," The huge hulking guy promised, watching a pensive Naruto through his black sunglasses humming in thought while scratching his chin.

"Gimme some time, I'll meet-cha and your boss-guy in a bit," Naruto said.

"Would you like me to leave directions to our location?" The man asked in a level-headed manner.

"Nope. I got a lock on ya. I'll just follow your energy-output to wherever you head," Naruto lackadaisically assured.

"You are very wise as one would expect. I thank you for your time Uzumaki-sama," The man bowed gracefully.

"No probs," Naruto brushed it off impassively, "What do your work buddies call you anyway?"

"My name is Tessai Tsukabishi," Tessai introduced, impressively keeping level-headed in the face of such a powerful man, "But you may refer to me as Tessa-."

"Hey, I didn't ask you what I should call you, just what your partners do, Butler-guy, cah-peesh?" Tessai just offered Naruto another bow in an eerily calm manner.

"My apologises again Uzumaki-sama."

"Course you are." Naruto smirked, shutting the door in a casual manner, "Those Gods of Bitches weren't kidding. Rukia's a wanted criminal and they're about to send the entire swat force down here just to bring her down. Shoot."

Who would've thought a military operation could be so, harsh? Naruto knew that much about the Soul Society, since he caught up to Ichigo and Rukia after he had trounced Byakuya and Renji.

And of course the looks on Rukia's and Ichigo's faces upon seeing Naruto casually rolled up to them not even ten minutes after they had left him to clean up was priceless.

It was even more priceless what Naruto did to Rukia afterward.

The reasoning Rukia had given Naruto for why she was now a wanted criminal seemed ludicrous and over the top. So what if she rented out her powers to Ichigo so he could rescue his family from those masked-creatures that Naruto learned was known as hollows?

It didn't hurt anyone. Even Rukia was essentially safe.

All the Soul Society really needed to do was keep Ichigo under careful observation to make sure he didn't misuse the power he had, and at most suspend Rukia without pay.

But hunting Rukia down like a disobedient dog for essentially saving herself and assuring the safety of a human family, which for all intents and purposes was the shinigami's duty, was completely unnecessary.

A letter confirming Rukia's suspension and a pay-cut would've worked out fine.

"Oh well. Not my problem. Unless someone's in cahoots with the defenders of justice hires me for a job," Naruto languidly said as he walked over to his sack-bag which he had left on the one-seated sofa before picking it up, and opening it up to remove a storage scroll from it.

XxX

(Later)

XxX

The raging, intense heat attempted to assault the sunglasses-clad eyes of Naruto, the blond-man relaxingly walking out onto a balcony on the first and top floor of the cheap motel-room of which he had slept and participated in… adult rated activities.

The blond substituted his orange vest top for a white vest which also had the symbols for the leaf village and Uzumaki-clan on the torso and back areas respectively. A pair of loose three-quarter medium blue shorts, an old pair of blue-shinobi sandals, a dog-pendant wrapped around his neck and an orange fisherman-hat was Naruto's garb for today.

Naruto panned his head up and inhaled in a calm manner.

"Time to make me some money," The blond exhaled.

Throwing his sack-bag skywards, the immortal flashed through a set of hand-seals, a faint blue glow appearing around his body, becoming clear until it encased him in a tornado-esque cage. With that done Naruto straightened his body, his arms dropping to his sides as he seemingly rose on his tip-toes.

His entire feet left the cold concrete ground as the blond continued to levitate at a leisured pace, completely ignoring the sound of spilling liquid.

"**Futon:****Kaze no Kontorōru (Wind Release: Wind Control)**," Naruto's utterance came out in a calm manner to emphasis his sublime mastery of the wind itself, the thin white aura-esque gases was hovering around Naruto and carrying him to the clouds, "The sky is my domain. King Uzumaki."

After sharply snatching his sack-bag out of the air, Naruto shot off like a rocket, leaving one stupefied occupant staring after him, an empty plastic cup in his hand, a puddle of drying coffee permeating at his slippers-clad feet.

"Yeah. I'm gonna pretend like I didn't just see that."

XxX

(Somewhere else – Location Unknown)

XxX

Near the cemetery of Karakura Town was an undistinguished little candy shop.

Standing outside of the candy shop were two little kids, one a girl and the other a boy, both were tasked with the job of sweeping the front to keep it looking presentable 'for the 'paying customers', or at the very least tried to avoid the little area looking like ghosts hung around there for a field trip.

Out of the two children given the chore of sweeping only one was actually doing it. The other one, well he was busy catching z's, lazily leaning on his elbow for good measure.

The girl had black hair, styled in two pigtails, which covered her temples, a purple tint to her hair if one looked real close; a light complexion, two big, round midnight blue eyes, and a couple of pink perpetual blushes on her cheeks.

She was garbed in a white short-sleeved t shirt with the logo that Tessai had on his apron, a long pink white-poke-dotted skirt that came down to her ankles, and a pair of wooden sandals on her feet.

The boy whose short tomato red hair was styled up straight like a cone and the sides curved upwards, had tanned-skin, coal eyes, and sported the same shirt as the girl only for boys, a pair of three-quarters blue shorts, and wooden sandals on his feet.

"Uhm, Jinta-kun, you're supposed to be helping me with the chores," The young little black haired girl attempted to remind the boy, her tone timid.

A scowl appeared on Jinta Hanakari's face as he hopped to his feet in a rage.

"Shut up, Ururu!" Jinta scuttled behind Ururu and screwed her tempers with his middle knuckles, making her cry out, "Tessai's not here so I don't have to do it! You better not rat me out or I'll make you sorry, got it!"

"Aw, Jinta-kun! That hurts!"

"So what? What are you going to do about it?"

The boy shook slightly and uncontrollably out of fear when he felt like the sun had been put out.

"Jinta!" Tessai's voice boomed and Jinta could no longer feel the ground underneath his feet.

"Hey, let me go, you big ape!" Jinta demanded, kicking his little feet.

"You should be doing your chores, young man," Tessai chastised sternly, harshly rattling Jinta about.

"Alright, alright! I'll do them already!" Jinta whined.

Just like that, Tessai's strict expression disappeared, leaving a pleasant smile on his face, his sunglasses gleaming in the sunlight as he placed Jinta down on his feet.

"Good." Tessai said, giving Jinta a little nudge in the back that made the boy stumble slightly.

"Aw man!" Jinta grumbled, grumpily picking up the broom and reluctantly getting to work.

Ururu smiled demurely, before joining Jinta in their shared duty.

Tessai nodded with a huff, hands on his hips. He then strolled over to the entrance of the candy shop, but stopped at the sound of the sliding door. This gave him clear view to a tall bucket-hat wearing blond haired man.

His blenched messy yellow hair fell to his shoulders, his bucket-styled hat was white with green strips, a paled complexion; sporting a green kimono held closed by a black karate-esque sash underneath a long brown white-diamond-patterned haori eerily similar to that of a captain, green kimono-pants, and wooden sandals on his feet.

"Ah, Tessai, my good man," He spoke in a casual manner, his hat casting a eternal shadow over his grey eyes, "Good to have you back," The small grin from his face fell, a calm, patient look taking its place, "How did the meeting with Uzumaki-san go?"

"It went… well, boss, better than expected," Tessai informed, dipping into a bow.

At this, the boss dipped his hand into his kimono, fishing out a green and white fan and using it to cover a huge silly grin which appeared on his face.

"Wonderful!" He commented gleefully, "Hopefully Uzumaki-san can buy me sometime, enough for me to get Kurosaki-san up to snuff," He abruptly closed his fan, a frown on his face, "The Gotei 13 will retaliate in kind after the way Uzumaki-san handled the captain and lieutenant of the sixth squad."

Of course that wasn't the only reason. Rukia's 'gigai' still needed more time in its attempt to destroy a key device which could grant anyone overwhelming power.

If it fell into the wrong hands then it could be trouble.

Rukia's powers would be eradicated, leaving her as a human, but then again progress couldn't be made without sacrifice

"Indeed Urahara-dono. Uzumaki-sama did confirm he would be willing to work for you-."

"All the better for us to be prepared for the time more captains come a knocking."

"-But only if he's given a regular salary."

Urahara cringed at those words. He hated giving refunds, let alone pay-checks. Pay-checks! There should be a law for giving out money, period!

"…Yes, well, perhaps we can work out another form of, reward, for Uzumaki-san's assistance in dealing with our conundrum," Urahara contemplated, his goofy grin reappearing across his features, his fan opening up to hid it, "After all I'm only a mere humble shopkeeper."

XxX

(With Naruto)

XxX

The immortal ninja, from his airborne position, noticed a rather unprofessional-like establishment and felt a tad underwhelmed, if not a little doubtful about the deal he would be discussing with that butler-guy's leader.

"Hmm? Well that's a rabbit out of a hat if there ever was one. I expected sumthin, I don't know, flashier. Like a gigantic building or something, like Sasuke has," Perhaps he wanted to keep a low profile. Naruto hoped so at least.

If this guy was really cheap then Naruto was out faster than the man can say 'Crap, lost another one.'

Naruto didn't work for a low-class fee after all. He at the very least wanted to be middle class.

"Let's see what this guy's laying on the table," Naruto said, one hand in his pocket and the other hand holding the sack-bag on his shoulder, slowly lowering himself to the ground. The closer he got to the earth the better the view he got of the small area and a sigh of frustration escaped his lips seeing the cemetery.

"What kinda wacko sets shop right next to the friggin resting place for dead folks' bodies," Naruto mumbled in annoyance, sighing as his descent caught the attention of two small little children, one boy, and one girl, both stopping what they were doing to look up at the man blankly.

'Hmm. They're not surprised to see me flying,' Naruto observed, dropping to the ground, 'Have they got shinigami powers too,' He wondered before shaking off that thought. He came to discuss busy after all.

"Hey, squirts, where's your leader?" Naruto asked.

"Who wants to know?" Jinta grumped insolently.

He felt like the combine might of a huge truck and a boulder was suddenly chucked in his face, sending him tumbling. The red haired rude-boy desperately tried to regain his balance, hopping on one foot, but it was all for naught as he fell to the ground.

"Jinta-kun!" The purple haired girl looked up fearfully at the blond haired man swaying the offending hand which he had used to backhand the red haired boy down to the ground.

Jinta, on his knees, now sporting a red bruise in the form of a hand, turned his head to glower at Naruto, "Hey, whatcha do that for, jerk?!" He whined, rising to his feet, "Who do you think you are anyway?!"

"I think I'm the guy whose about to set your ass alight, old-school style, if you don't scurry your little self into that shop, and bring me your boss," Naruto warned in a patient tone, but the steady rising volume of his voice made it clear he was getting ready to explode.

"Aw man!" Jinta whined, but nonetheless turned around and wandered off near the shop, "Boss! Some guy's here to see you!"

Naruto nodded with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Uhm, you know, you didn't have to be so mean to Jinta-kun," A similar timid tone made Naruto turn curious eyes downward in the direction of a little girl.

'Huh? Looks like Hinata's descendant in a way,' Naruto mused.

Shrugging that off, Naruto offered the girl a gentle smile, lowering his hand on her head, "Aw, don't you worry your little self. I'm sure Junior can hack it. After all a little discipline goes a long way, hehe." The girl gave the man a small reluctant, uncertain nod.

"Ah, you must be Uzumaki-san I believe."

Naruto looked towards the entrance of the candy shop, spotting Jinta with the butler-guy from earlier and a tall blond haired man, though his blond hair was infinitely less shinier than Naruto's.

"Yeah, dat's me, Naruto Uzumaki," Naruto said, ambling over to the blond haired man.

Jinta loured off to the side, but kept his mouth closed, choosing to instead venture away from the adults.

"Word Butler-guy," Naruto acknowledged Tessai's presence, bumping his fist against his own chest.

"I'm pleased you could make it, Uzumaki-sama," Tessai bowed.

"Sup with ya?" Naruto asked.

"We are not on the same level, as you are on a plateau far above my own. Hence I shall address and acknowledge you as my superior," Tessai explained respectfully, "That, and your strength is admirable."

"Okay," Naruto shrugged.

Sama was a markedly more respectful version than 'san'. It was used mainly to address someone of a higher rank than oneself, or toward one's guests and customers, and sometimes toward people one greatly admired.

When sama used to refer oneself, it expresses extreme arrogance on the announcer's part.

"So Uzumaki-san I take it you've thought about my offer," Kisuke guessed in a leisured manner.

Naruto crossed his arms, "Yeah. I've thought it over."

"Would you like to finalize the deal over a cup of tea?" Kisuke offered.

"Sure." Naruto accepted, Tessai stepping to the side to allow Kisuke entrance to the shop, who was soon followed by Naruto.

Naruto turned inquisitive eyes onto the items of the small shop. He could honestly say he was not expecting what he saw. Usually when one sauntered into a candy shop, they found sweets, y'know, water-mouthing, sugary goodness.

Not a memory eraser from the Men-in-Black film.

"What's all dis?" Naruto wondered with a mixture of a grimace and a look of contemplation on his whiskered-face, staring at a blank, bland white body, "I thought dis was a place for little tykes to come and waste their allowance on teeth-rotting sweets, but dis,-" Naruto gestured grandly to all the items around him, "Dis is some elaboration get-up."

Naruto picked up the only item which even looked remotely like the product one would believe a small shop such as this to sell, "Well there's, dis, soul candy, thing. I'm not even sure is really real candy."

"Pardon me, Uzumaki-sama, but would it be too much to ask for you to put that down?" Tessai said, a pleasant smile on his face, his glasses gleaming in mischief, "Unless of course you wish to pay for it."

The soul candy was abruptly chucked back to whence it came from.

"No thanks," Naruto grumbled, turning towards a patiently waiting Kisuke.

"Good," Kisuke said, his mischievous grin being covered by his fan, "Now that you're done having a little look around my little modest shop, we can get down to business," Kisuke looked at Tessai, "Could you go make the tea, Tessai?"

"Of course Urahara-dono," Tessai assured, walking off to the kitchen.

"That'll be awhile. Until then we might as well get on with the terms of our agreement." Kisuke said, a sadistic glint shining in his eye, "Wouldn't you agree Uzumaki-san?"

"Lead the way," Naruto said, ignoring the gleam within Kisuke's eye as he followed Kisuke into a living room area after Kisuke had picked up a memory eraser and took a seat opposite to the man on the sofa, a brown round table was positioned in front of them.

"As I'm sure you are aware of the soul society's attempt to arrest Kuchiki-san," Kisuke began, making Naruto raise an eyebrow.

He thought Kuchiki was that robot-guy's name. That pineapple-head guy's kept shouting 'captain-Kuchiki' after all.

"Yeah. I scooped up a little dirt on it from Rukia before I got bored and headed elsewhere," Naruto confirmed, "So I take that cop-robot Byaku or whatever his name is, is Rukia's older brother, right?" Naruto asked, not quite remembering the guy's name.

The man couldn't remember all of the wannabes who he had beat up.

Perhaps Naruto should get a book to takes the names of those asses he kicked.

That might work.

"Byakuya Kuchiki, and yes, you're correct Uzumaki-san, he is Kuchiki-san's older brother," Kisuke corrected, a half amused grin across his pale face at the slip-up from Naruto.

Naruto rubbed his chin, "I don't even want to know what he went through to the point he would choose the law over his kid sister," Naruto shook his head, "That musta been some deep shit."

"Regardless of that, Uzumaki-san, Kuchiki-san is only one captain of thirteen among the Gotei 13," Kisuke elucidated, a serious, dark look on his features, "You can see our dilemma. Who you defeated was the captain and lieutenant of the sixth division who both only had 20% of their power available to them."

"Why's that?"

"Any shinigami over lieutenant-level and above must have a cap on their power to avoid causing collateral damage to the world of the living," Kisuke explained informatively.

"That explains why they were so weak then," Naruto muttered, "But, yeah, I got it. Y'all are crapping yourselves, 'cause whomever is in charge of the Gotei 13 will most likely send more of his troops out to snatch Rukia. So to prepare for that you want to recruit me to have a fighting chance of not getting your asses whooped," Naruto summed it up with an air of nonchalance about him, "How's dat? Am I hitting the ball here?"

"So nonchalant," Kisuke spoke amusingly, "I wouldn't of quite worded it like that, but yeah, that's it Uzumaki-san in a nutshell, although Kurosaki-san's the only one that would get himself killed since he's the one who wants to protect Kuchiki-san."

"Fat chance he's got of accomplishing dat," Naruto snorted, "Robot-cop's lackey was putting defender-boy through school."

Kisuke nodded his head, "I'm aware of that. I could have stopped him from fighting them, but I felt Kurosaki-san needed to learn from experiencing failure."

"Yeah. He seems like the type to learn through trial and error," Naruto quipped.

"**Must be your ancestral son then,**" A full-powered Kurama teased.

'Shaddup,' Naruto commanded jestingly, Kurama laughing with his brothers and sisters inside of Naruto's mindscape.

Kisuke nodded, a calm easy-going look on his face, "I had predicted Kurosaki-san to be here this morning after Kuchiki-san had severely wounded him and most likely severed his soul chain, thus removing his shinigami's powers, and leaving him a normal human, but-," Kisuke grinned widely, hiding it with his fan, "But for you of course."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a fan-fucking-tastic Samaritan," Naruto muttered sarcastically.

Kisuke's smile widened, not that Naruto could see it with the fan masking it, "Oh really? I did not know this."

"Don't get any bright ideas, pal. I'm not working for free."

Kisuke's smile dropped from his face, "You sure I couldn't probably offer you something else, besides, a pay-check, as a reward for your cooperation, Uzumaki-san?"

"A man's gotta eat. So no."

"I see."

Before the silence could enjoy its reign Tessai chose that moment to walk back into the room with a tray on his hand with two cups of tea on it.

"Ah. Thank you very much Tessai," Kisuke thanked him leisurely, as Tessai carefully lay the tray on the table and picked up one cup, setting it near Kisuke before doing the same to Naruto's one.

"Cool," Naruto said appreciatively.

"Is there anything else I can get for you Uzumaki-sama?" Tessai asked, "Maybe you would like some biscuits."

"No. This'll be fine." Naruto said, picking up his tea and supping some of it up.

Tessai nodded and left the two gentlemen to their discussion.

"So what's this job you require my services for?" Naruto questioned.

"Oh it's nothing too difficult," Kisuke started smoothly, relishing in the warm sensation of which hit his throat as he sipped up a little tea, "Nothing someone of your skills can't handle Uzumaki-san."

Naruto nodded, waiting for Kisuke to tell him the job he wanted him to do.

"I need you to infiltrate the Soul Society, and act as a diversion. That will give me plenty of time to train Kurosaki-san so he can protect Kuchiki-san competently," Kisuke said.

"So basically you want me to bust in to an army notion and clown around while you play couch to Tangerine-boy."

"Well, yes, yes I do Uzumaki-san."

"I charge an addition fee for suicide missions."

Even If it wasn't exactly a suicidal mission for someone as powerful as Naruto, a man had to make money somehow.

On the outside Kisuke was calm but on the inside he was crying up a river, "As long as you buy me some time to whip Kurosaki-san into shape I can keep to my end of the deal."

"Good," Naruto said, thinking of something else while he was on this subject, "Hey, if ya want ya can leave Tangerine-boy to me. I'll deal with him."

Kisuke raised an eyebrow, "Are you thinking of taking Kurosaki-san with you to the Soul Society?"

"No, he's too weak. He'd just be a liability, or a meat-shield," Naruto answered flatly, "I'm just gonna leave a clone of myself here to train him. He owns me from last night anyway. This way I'll have somewhere to stay the time I get back from Soul Society," Kisuke nodded, impressed that the blond could replicate himself.

That worked out well for Kisuke.

"Alright. It will take me about seven days to open up a modified version of the Senkaimon to allow you passage to the Soul Society, Uzumaki-san." Kisuke explained calmly.

A look of confusion appeared on Naruto's features, "It didn't take Strawberry-head and Robot-cop seven days to get back to Soul Society."

Naruto was confident neither Byakuya nor Renji was in the world of the living. He didn't see them leave but he felt their presence fade from the world after an luminous white light hit his back.

"Ah. That's because Abarai-san and Kuchiki-san are affiliated with the Gotei 13, thus have free access to the Senkaimon," Kisuke explained freely.

"Oh. Well in dat case don't worry 'bout it," Naruto said, leaping to his feet with Kisuke giving him a confused look, "I know a guy, I'll get him to let me in the Soul Society, trust me."

They weren't exactly friends, but Naruto had his ways of making people submit to his whims. Naruto could either ask him nicely to let him into the Soul Society, or he could get physical with him. It would be his choice in the end.

Kisuke smiled in a cool, leisured manner, "Alright. I hope all goes well for you in your endeavours, Uzumaki-san."

"Amen to dat. You just have 77306.92 yen the time I get back."

Kisuke cringed.

"Isn't that a bit pricey, Uzumaki-san?"

"Should I make it 85896.57 yen then?"

"No! 77306.92 yen is a perfectly acceptable price."

"Course it is." Naruto smirked, picking up his cup and supping up the remainder of his tea.

"Oh one more thing before you go, Uzumaki-san?"

"What?"

Kisuke fished out the memory eraser from inside of his kimono and tossed it to Naruto, who caught it skilfully.

"In case things get dicey, use that to erase the shinigami's minds of you and Kuchiki-san."

Naruto stared inquisitively at the black memory eraser which looked like a light flasher.

"Where did you get the idea for this from?"

"I ripped it off from the Men-In-Black film. Except mine can also replace memories, as well as erase them. Good luck!" Kisuke finished gleefully.

XxX

(Later)

The immortal one yawned.

Naruto sauntered on the pavement of downtown, keeping a lock on the chakra-signature he'd picked up last night so he could make his way to the Soul Society, and complete his mission.

After all he was still a ninja, even if most shinobi lost their lives in the final fight against Madara Uchiha, doing missions was something he lived for.

Besides, Naruto was curious to see what Soul Society looked like and how it operated. Judging from where Zennosuke sent that ghost-kid Naruto would say it was heaven.

If so, then the blond would relish the chance to go there and find out if any of his friends from the past made it to the Soul Society, like Shikamaru, Sakura, Kakashi, Bushy brows, Neji, Super Bushy brows, etc…

Of course he knew what came first, "So I make myself a target for the shinigami to capture," A savage smirk crossed Naruto's features, That'll be fun. Let's see 'em pick on someone triple their power for once." Forming his favourite hand-sign, Naruto channelled his chakra, "**Kage Bunshin no Jutsu (Shadow Clone Technique)**."

A clone of Naruto appeared out of thin air, a cloud of smoke dispensing.

"You know what to do," Naruto stated.

"Real smooth boss, leave me with baby-sitting duty," Clone-Naruto grumped, "In the meantime you'll be organizing the laundry."

"It's not so bad, who knows, maybe a few might slip under my radar," Naruto contemplated with a grin across his face.

"I hope so," Clone-Naruto grumbled, "I'll be at my wits end with what to do with Tangerine-boy after I finish breakin him in by smacking him 'bout. He does have power, but no style," The clone shook its head, crossing its arms with a frown on its face, "I don't need even to say dat he uses a sword and we don't."

"Just send him to Sasuke after you think his chakra control and physical prowess are up to snuff," Naruto said.

Clone-Naruto had a pensive look on its face.

"I suppose it's worth a shot if nuthin else." Clone-Naruto shrugged.

"Course." Naruto said simply, finally stopping to take to the sky, "I'm out. Take care of the kid and his girl will ya. If you need anything just ask dat Kisuke-guy, he might know some people for you to have a brawl against."

"Will do, boss. Later."

The clone and its creator both flashed through a series of hand-signs before activating Naruto's futon: Kaze no Kontorōru (Wind Release: Wind Control), and taking off to the sky.

XxX

(Karakura High School – Rooftop – With Ichigo)

XxX

'Man. It feels kinda strange, almost like nothing ever happened,' Ichigo mused.

Now that he was no longer in his spiritual body, he didn't have his Zanpakuto with him nor did he wear his shinigami-garbs. Instead, like a good student, he wore a white dress shirt tucked into his grey pants held up by a black belt, and a pair of black shoes on his feet.

It was still a pleasant feeling he got this morning when his pop stream-rolled into his room screaming incoherently before trying to boot him awake, only to be smacked out of the window by Ichigo instead.

Then Rukia, sleeping in his closet unknown to any of his family members, would open the door leading to his closet and complain about the noise.

Ichigo didn't know how used he had gotten to that until yesterday.

Even after arguing with Rukia that it was his pop's fault he couldn't stop the smile from coming to his face.

It was good to have Rukia here.

What would he have done if Naruto-san hadn't shown up?

Get battered?

Then get up? -

Dust himself off? -

Find a way to Soul Society?

Bust in there?

Fight a shinigami?

Win in honourable fashion?

Get in a rematch with Renji?

Power up and fire an attack?

Win?

Get in another fight with a crazy beast of a shinigami and win that in epic fashion?

Train for the final showdown with Rukia's jerk of a big brother Byakuya?

And win in a blazing fashion of glory?

'Yeah… that sounds totally doable,' Ichigo grumbled sarcastically, scratching the side of his neck.

He looked around the rooftop. Rukia was engaged in animated conversation with Orihime and Tatsuki, Mizuiro was winding up Keigo with his calmness, Chado was just Chado, great-guy, flanked at his side like a true friend would, and Keigo…

Well Keigo was nuts.

A genuine smile appeared on Ichigo's face.

'Thanks, Naruto-san. I owe ya one.' Ichigo thought. 'I only wish I could return the favour.'

"Hey, Tangerine-boy."

It was almost like he could hear him.

"What's shaking?"

The arm around Ichigo's neck just confirmed he wasn't imagining things.

"Naruto-san?"

"In the flesh," Naruto grinned.

Keigo, Mizuiro, Orihime, and Tatsuki stopped what they were doing to look at the blond haired man who had just suddenly appeared out of nowhere. The guy looked huge, taller than Ichigo in fact. The muscles on his arms were clearly visible.

"What are you doing here?" Ichigo whispered, his voice sounding a little harsh. For good reasons too, since he never saw Naruto use the door, and he wasn't up to explaining to his friends that this man saved his ass from a couple of death gods after Rukia.

"Is that anyway to speak to your new sensei?" Naruto chided in a jesting manner, "I'm hurt."

"That's not what I meant!" Ichigo complained, "And did you just say you're my new sensei!?"

"Yeah. Good to see your hearin's still intact after the ass whooping you got eh." Naruto grinned.

Chad's eyes which were usually hidden by his longish wavy red hair opened up in shock. Ichigo was attacked? More importantly he lost? Why wasn't Chad there? Yasutora Sado, aka Chad, his other alias Chado, should have been right by Ichigo's side. He was meant to have Ichigo's back.

They promised each other to have each other's backs.

Chad felt ashamed for not being there when Ichigo needed him.

Even if Chad couldn't have helped, he would rather be on the floor bleeding profusely next to his friend Ichigo, then not.

"Hey!" Ichigo complained.

"Who's that guy Ichigo's talking to?" Tatsuki wondered.

"Humph." Rukia pouted and crossed her arms.

"Oh! I know! Maybe he and Kurosaki-kun are friends!" Orihime guessed cheerfully, "Look how well they get along Tatsuki-chan!"

Tatsuki tilted her head to one side, a pensive expression on her face as she observed Naruto looking teasingly at a rapidly increasing grumpy Ichigo.

"You know, you make a good point Orihime. That guy sure knows how to get underneath Ichigo's skin." Tatsuki smirked, snickering at Ichigo's predicament.

Orihime giggled.

Having gone to the same nursery and primary schools as Ichigo, Tatsuki was close enough to him to feel comfortable with calling him by his first name.

Orihime was Tatsuki's best friend. Of course she was going to call her by her first name.

Naruto tapped Ichigo on his back, making the boy tumble slightly, "Haha. Don't worry, Tangerine-boy, I'll get you up to snuff."

"Hey," Ichigo whined comically, "My name's not Tangerine-boy, it's Ichigo. Just because my hair's oran-." Ichigo stopped himself, realizing that was why Naruto was referring to him as Tangerine-boy, "…Screw you, Naruto-san."

Naruto snickered at Ichigo before turning to look at Rukia, "Hey, Rukia. How's it hangin gal?" Rukia pouted, refusing to meet the blond's gaze, "Aw, c'mon. You ain't still mad at me for dat thing I did to ya yesterday, are ya?" Naruto shook his head with his hands on his hips, "Gals sure can hold grudges."

"A thing?" Rukia muttered, the petite girl's body visibly shaking out of anger, her arms falling to her sides, her hands balling up into fists, "Is that what you call lifting up my skirt Naruto-san!" Rukia screamed, fully turning to face the blond.

Tatsuki grimaced at Naruto, while Mizuiro and Keigo gasped.

"You gonna hold dat against me forever, eh gal?" Naruto wondered with a playful grin on his face.

"Why you!" Rukia raged, stomping over to Naruto, "It's not something one can forget Naruto-san!"

"Yeah dude! You can't do that to a lady!" Keigo shouted, Ichigo sighing deeply as Naruto turned nonchalant eyes onto his loud friend.

"Do what?" Naruto trolled, a mischievous grin on his face, bouncing on his tip-toes, and effortlessly spinning around Rukia, "You mean dis?" His hand flipped up, the back of Rukia's skirt flying upwards, revealing her black panties.

A pink tinge formed from embarrassment appeared on Ichigo's features, the boy covering his eyes with his hands, and turning his head to the side.

Keigo and Mizuiro got nosebleeds and passed out while Tatsuki was silently raging at the perverted man.

Big-Chad just regarded the scene with indifference.

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Ichigo shouted, trying not to peek at Rukia. He was relieved when he found Rukia's skirt already back in place.

"You pervert!" Rukia screamed, turning around to spin kick Naruto.

Naruto merely hopped back, purposely keeping just out of range from Rukia's foot, "Missed," He teased, "Try again."

"I'll get you!" Rukia raged, clenching her hand into a fist at her side.

Then she shot it skyward.

The girl hit nothing but air, Naruto side-stepping her attack with that satirizing grin glued to his face.

"You almost had me dat time Rukia~chan," Naruto sang.

"Argh!" Rukia fumed. She threw a side kick toward Naruto's stomach.

That proved to be her downfall.

Naruto skilfully propelled himself upward, barrel-rolled forward, and landed in a hand-stand on Rukia's smooth leg.

The girl flinched, Naruto's hand feeling up her leg as the blond neared her womanhood, but before he got there he jumped from her leg, rebounded off of her head, and landed in front of Ichigo, who flinched.

Naruto lowered himself to Rukia's level and mockingly tapped his cheek, "C'mon gal, hit me there."

"You jerk!" Rukia screeched, throwing another punch at Naruto.

She only ended up hitting Ichigo, her fist sailing through Naruto as if he were a ghost.

The orange haired boy was now bent over with his hands on his gut.

"Huh? How'd he do that?" Tatsuki wondered while blinking her eyes.

"Wowwwww," Orihime droned with a starry-eyed look on her face. Maybe that guy had powers too.

"Ouch! Whatcha do that for, you midget!?" Ichigo raged, holding his gut.

"You were in the way, skyscraper!" Rukia resorted.

"It's not like I had a choice midget!"

"Oh! Like that's any excuse not to move out of the way, skyscraper!"

"Midget!"

"Skyscraper!"

"Midget!"

"Skyscraper!"

"Midget!"

"Skyscraper!"

"Dis is some quality entertainment guys."

"Shaddup! This is your fault to start with! Ugh!"

Ichigo launched a punch at Naruto, but ended up getting his back whacked off of the concrete ground as his blond target speedily spun around and judo-flipped Ichigo over his back.

"OUCH!"

"Kurosaki-kun!"

A condescending grin appeared in the suffering Ichigo's vision.

"Word of advice, don't try dat. Just sayin."

Ichigo turned over onto his stomach and balled his hands into fists, sulking.

"Aw man."

* * *

**77306.92 yen is the equivalent of 450 pounds in Japanese currency **

**85896.57 yen is the equivalent of 500 pounds in Japanese currency **

* * *

**Canon Naruto**

**That Naruto, huh?**

**You know on the second page I was a little confused at what happened. At first I thought Naruto kicked the black ball back at Madara so hard that as soon as Madara touched it, the momentum carried him away, but no, a second look I saw it actually crashed into the Shinju tree.**

**The moment Madara took it out was the moment Naruto bum-rushed him and kicked the shit out of him.**

**What speed huh?**

**Then Naruto makes a lookalike of planet Jupiter with his Sage Art – Lava Release – Rasenshuriken, and uses that as a chain-saw to axe down the tree.**

**Damn. He's beast.**

**Bleach really wouldn't be able to handle Naruto now.**

* * *

**Canon Bleach.**

**Damn that Kenpachi – looking beast.**

**Possible pairings - not definite pairings.**

* * *

**NarutoxOrihime – Her purity is a perfect contrast to Naruto's badboy-personality.**

**…Or NarutoxHalibel – She's hot.**

**IchigoxSakura – Think of the hilarity**

**SasukexRukia – Sasuke would feel obligated to protect her**


	3. Naruto One the Law Zero

**Disclaimer: Naruto or Bleach. **

**On the last chapter of Naruto, Sasuke murks. No joke. He sliced Madara in half. Sasuke's beast. **

**But this is Naruto, and being sliced in half doesn't kill someone in this series. At most it's a minor inconvenience. Just ask Tsunade... since when'd she get so lucky all of a sudden? Oh, yeah, when her life's on the line the wheels of fortune start turning in her favour. **

**Madara, though. *sigh* You're disappointing me, Madara. When the dude first appeared in edo tensei form he was wasting mans like it's a joke thing and even dropped two super large mountain-sized meteorites. Now it's like ever since Madara absorbed the Jubbi he's become weaker. He's just getting his ass-whooped without putting up much of a fight. Gai wrecked him so bad he even says...**

**"Dude. You almost freaking killed me, you psycho!" And then, "Can you still dance?"**

**I really hope now that he has sucked in the shinju tree he'll start showcasing his true power, because the final showdown of Naruto can't end in a curb-stomping. No. Please. **

**And, his eye. He can't forget to take his rinnegan-eye from Obito. I hope Obito has finally lost his untouchability now that he's been 'redeemed'.**

**I still despised Obito-bitch. **

**Worst. Villain. Ever.**

**Comic Book Guy just broke it down. **

* * *

**Chapter Three **

**Naruto One the Law Zero**

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"NO!"

A small, cool chuckle echoed throughout the air, "Man you guys are just too easy," Clone-Naruto declared.

"Shaddap, cat-face; go somewhere else if you think we're going too slow then!" Ichigo shouted in annoyance, "And I don't know why you're even following us anyway! Me and you ain't exactly on good terms you know, especially after the stunt you pulled back at my class."

"What? You mean that thing with your teach?" Naruto guessed questioningly, hands tucked into his pockets, "What's so bad about that?"

"You chatted her up," Ichigo said dryly.

"And?"

"You embarrassed me!" Ichigo stressed, "And you made all of my classmates believe you're my cousin!"

"I fail to see your point, kid," Naruto said relaxingly, making Ichigo groan in exasperation at being identified as a kid, "If anything you should thank me."

"Thank you? Now why would I do that?" Ichigo asked dryly, a deadpan look appearing on his features, "For making me the laughing stock of my class? Oh, yeah, you were such a massive help. It's not like my life wasn't hell already without you popping into it."

Naruto let out a dark, wryly chuckle at the smart mouthed-boy's sarcastic quip, "Here I thought you'd be more appreciative of me for even implying something as lame as you could be a part of my family tree. I'm just sayin."

"That's it! I'm so going to drive my foot up your ass and smash that stick so far up it, you'll be constipated!" Ichigo raged, looking at an equally annoyed Rukia walking in between him and Naruto, "Midget! Turn me into a shinigami so I can whoop this guy's ass already."

"Good luck with that son," Naruto mumbled coolly, not affected by the boy's words. To him, Ichigo was nothing but talk.

"Don't bother, Ichigo, you know as well as I do that you can't even touch Naruto-san alone beat him," Rukia commanded, taking several deep breaths to calm herself, "He defeated nii-sama effortlessly, while you struggled to hold off Renji's attacks. Need I say Renji is nothing compared to nii-sama."

"I have to try, though!" Ichigo yelled, balling his hands into fists, growling at Naruto's smug laugh, "You better wipe that look off of your face Blondie!"

"Hey, now there's an idea," Naruto perked.

He dropped the happy façade to make a suggestion in a dark manner, "Now why don't you try making me with your power, and not your words, little boy," The air grew heavy, pushing outwards from Naruto to force Rukia and Ichigo off of their feet; the ground around Naruto's feet shattered, resembling broken pieces of glasses, and the weather changed from dark clouds back to the clear sky it once was at the beginning of the day.

"…"

"…"

The mouths of Rukia and Ichigo flopped repeatedly, but not a single word came out.

The blazing aura of Naruto, which had soared upwards to change the weather itself, left the duo mesmerized.

'Naruto-san,' Rukia's voice came out in a whisper, even in her own head, as cold sweat ran down her cheek, 'What are you?' A shiver ran down Rukia's spine at how quick Naruto could go from (a) gangsta goof to (a) serious hard-man.

"Damn it!" Ichigo said exasperatedly from his new position on his backside, yet Naruto didn't show him any compassion, he just observed the anguishing boy with a look of calm indifference, "Just how are you so strong?"

Naruto sauntered over to Ichigo, with Rukia looking at him with probing eyes, just a touch of anxiety in them.

As Naruto reached Ichigo, the orange haired boy let out a curious hum staring up at Naruto, a hum which soon turned into a painful grunt. Ichigo could have sworn a boulder or some kind of solid metallic object had been whammed into his chest with such force he was soon forced to scream in agony.

"Gah!"

Oh. It was just Naruto's foot.

"Ichigo!"

"You want to know how I'm so strong," Naruto mumbled rhetorically, grinding his foot on Ichigo's chest while the entire upper half of his body remained motionless, "Well you'd be asking yourself the wrong question kid."

"W-What d-do you mean?" Ichigo stammered painfully, gripping Naruto's foot and desperately trying to throw it off his chest, 'Damn! I can't get it off! He's just too strong! At this rate I'll be turned to mincemeat if I don't do something!'

"Isn't it obvious?" Naruto questioned rhetorically, "It's not that I'm so strong. No, that's not the question you should be asking yourself. Instead you should be wondering 'why am I so weak?'"

Ichigo's eyes shot open, "I'm… weak?"

Naruto nodded his head, freeing Ichigo from his boulder-crashing foot, "Exactly, you're a freshman. Luckily for you, I'm here to break you in."

Ichigo sat up with a dumbfounded look on his face, "You would do that for me?"

Naruto squatted down to Ichigo's level and extended his index finger, sticking it to Ichigo's forehead, "Hey, don't count your eggs before they hatch, little man. I don't do charity work," Naruto rocked Ichigo's head back with a simple flick of his finger.

Ichigo straightened his head with a grumpy pout, "What? I have to pay you!? What do I look like, a freaking bank! I don't have that kinda cash! I'm still in high school!"

"Easy," Naruto admonished with a smile, "There is a loophole that could benefit the both of us. I'll just crash at your pad for the duration of your training. A rent-free room will compensate for the training fees I'd have charged. Comprende?"

"But I don't want you staying at my place! I already have someone there that my family don't exactly know of!" Ichigo yelled, sending a pointed look at Rukia, snapping the girl out of her frightened trance, "I don't think the two of you staying at my place is such a good idea."

"Who said I would be hiding from your family?"

"What?"

"Yeah. Why would I? You might have a pretty sister who I could nail."

"Shaddap! My sisters are underage you pervert!"

"How old are they?"

"Eleven!"

"Oh. So seven years then."

"For what?!"

"Until they're ready to get Naruto'd! Giggity, giggity goo!"

XxX

(With Zennosuke)

"I sure showed him," Zennosuke said with a strained, pained smirk.

The not-so-afro shinigami had two busted open lips. His eyebrows now resembled purple sausages which just goes to show how swollen they were.

He was missing his front teeth; his eyes were near blinded from being two-bombed so hard they became blackened to the highest degree. His once afro hair now had a huge cut straight down the middle, eerily similar to that of a messiah splitting the ocean apart.

The two sides of his hair now hung over the sides of his head and looked like bangs framing his face.

The left side of his sleeve was torn off, and the right side of his hakama was also shredded.

Zennosuke looked like he had been put through the ringer, yet he proudly stood tall in a futile attempt to save face on a lamppost, while one of the spiritually aware humans just happened to be passing by his location.

"Yo, Afro-guy, how're you doing dude? Let's hang!" Keigo yelled up at Zennosuke with his school bag flung over his shoulder, but as Zennosuke turned his head downwards to shout back in annoyance at Keigo, the hyperactive school boy saw his worst nightmare.

"AH! CLOWNS, WHY?"

Keigo galloped away from a dumbfounded Zennosuke as fast as he could, tears in his eyes.

"WHY ALWAYS ME!?"

"Hm. Looks like Blondie has probably done me a favour."

XxX

(With Naruto)

Having watched a few cartoons, Naruto would've expected 'heaven' to be all fluffy white clouds, with a giant set of escalators that led to God's luxury hotel for souls to rest for all eternity, a golden light which lights up all of heaven, and a massive set of golden gates that kept any intruders from penetrating its defences.

What he didn't expect to find, but did regardless, was an area eerily similar to that of Bowery or the rough ends of Los Angeles, the kind of places senior citizens over the age of sixty tended to avoid like the plague; the kind of place where a ruffian like Naruto could be seen hanging on the streets or alleyways dealing and all that.

Naruto even got himself an ounce of 6922.32 yen (forty pounds) worth of marijuana for a kid's fee.

"When I get back I might just have to thank Afro-guy for shipping me off to Amsterdam-paradise," Naruto contemplated relaxingly, inhaling a drag of his fifth spliff since arriving in the place which he assumed was Soul Society, "I sure wish ramen cost dis much back in LA. I woulda got myself a crib there. Shit."

Naruto exhaled.

Calmly treading through the roads of Soul Society, with one hand held over his shoulder, holding his sack-bag, the blond followed his senses to the strongest energy signature he could feel.

"Odds are if I at least meet the ambassador of dis joint we can settle dis dispute like sensible people," Naruto murmured thoughtfully. After all Rukia didn't seem harmful in the least nor did Ichigo seem like any threat.

Naruto was just a tad optimistic that the high-ups could let Rukia slide, forget she ever existed, and just allow her to live a normal life on earth with her boyfriend Tangerine-boy.

It wasn't like Rukia was Madara sending out her powers on loan to some pipsqueak kid to hold for him. No. She was obviously just an average shinigami who had lost to a mediocre foe and was forced to give her powers to Ichigo so he could save himself, her, and his family.

That was nothing which called for such drastic measures.

Ichigo was barely chunin-level where Naruto came from.

That kid was not a threat.

…At least not yet.

Naruto's feet brought him outside of a massive round golden wall.

"Well, here's sumthin I can say I've seen in Tom and Jerry," Naruto said.

Naruto could feel the powerful energy output from just behind these walls. The familiar ones of Robot-cop's and Pineapple-head's stuck out like a sore thumb to Naruto, among others.

A small smirk crossed Naruto's face just imaging how sore the two shinigami must have felt getting outclassed by a human.

"Dis place ain't bad looking," Naruto said, amusement evident in his eyes, "I wouldn't mind paying them a visit right now, but-," He dropped his smirk and hardened his eyes, "I've got a job to do."

Calmly looking left and then to his right to make sure the coast was clear, Naruto placed his hands in the ram seal and was quickly encased in a cloud of smoke.

Once the smoke disappeared, so did the tall blond-haired man, and in his place stood a slightly shorter black haired man who had tanned-skin and slicked-combed back black hair, brown chocolate-eyes, and wide broad shoulders.

He wore a medium green short-sleeved t shirt, black trousers, a business bag dangling from his shoulder, and wooden sandals.

Henge no Jutsu had its uses, especially when one was looking to negotiate with an army notion of which he had no knowledge of whatsoever.

Besides that it would throw them off to see that the human who pummelled one of their elites had an underling whom he could send in his place.

That, and the trolling possibilities were endless.

"And they said pot kills your brain-cells. I'm smokin' a spliff now and already I feel my brain enhancing to Shikamaru-levels," The transformed Naruto joked.

After the amusement left him the blond placed his middle and index fingers to his temple. As soon as his eyes closed, was the moment he vanished.

XxX

(In the Seireitei)

XxX

Being dead had its advantages.

For instance people aged at much more slower rate in this realm. That meant they would keep their good looks for a lot longer than they would've if they had stayed alive, to be more precise the ladies would still be beautiful after ten or even _twenty _years passed, meaning there was more research material.

A small giggle echoed throughout the air.

A trickle of blood leaked down from a nose and dropped lifelessly onto the ground.

The man had long white spiky hair tied in a ponytail that stretched down to his lower back. His light, wrinkled face let others know he was past the prime of his youth, but just try telling him that.

He donned a red headband with a metal template that had the kenji for oil on it wrapped around his forehead. His basic attire consisted of the patented shinigami-garbs, with a red haori thrown over his shoulders; his own personal touch to what was a relatively dull uniform in his opinion. His bladed ninjato was sheathed on his hip.

He was a well respected shinigami among all captains and lieutenants. He could have even become a captain himself, but he didn't want to.

He didn't understand why shinigami actually wanted to join the ranks of the Gotei 13 after they left the shinigami academy. He didn't. Just like how he turned down the seat of Hokage so he could dedicate more time to his research, he didn't want to be a part of the Gotei 13 despite being offered a vacant captain spot.

Research was just too good not to do.

Really, if he could, he would thank his old student for massacring his behind.

If only he could, though.

Something which made the man frown? Not everyone whom died was lucky enough to keep their memories.

Out of the hundreds of ninjas that had died over the period of three hundred years, only a handful of them had; himself, his teammate and his teammate's student (had kept their memories) just to name a few.

Speaking of Tsunade's student… Oh she had grown into a fine woman with those long beautiful legs of hers, her curvaceous, womanly figure, her tight round rear-end, her beautiful green eyes, and her luscious pink hair.

Her breasts left more to be desired since her size was a modest c-cup, but her other areas were simply divine.

Oh he was getting turned on just watching her and the other stunning women in the bathhouse through a tiny eye-hole from his position behind a wooden fence.

Her comrade was voluptuous too, and her own puppies made up for the pink haired beauty's lack of breasts in spades.

"Hohoho, the ladies are out for me to get inspiration to write another volume of Icha-Icha paradise. Come on ladies, feed the one and only legendary toad sannin's mojo!"

"Gud to see some things never change, eh gramps?"

A titter of glee left the white haired sage-shinigami perplexed and he reflexively flinched before turning to face a black haired man.

"Easy, gramps, don't pop your back outta place. You ain't as young as you used to be, ya' know?" The man teased.

"Who are you?" Jiraiya asked, then a look of annoyance came to his face from the cheeky man implying he was too old to be around by himself, "And I'll have you know I'm in the prime of my youth, gaki."

The man laughed wryly, "Yeah you are. Though I woulda thought you would be as old as grandpops by now, gramps."

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes, "I don't like the way you're talking. You talk like you know me," As his hand slid over to his Zanpakuto, the black haired man held up his hands in a placating manner, an easy-going grin on his face.

"Or maybe," His grin was infectious because Jiraiya suddenly had it on his face for a split second, "You're just one of my adoring loyal fans!" A boisterous expression was now on his face, "Yes! Of course you are. Even in death my greatness is unrivalled! Hahaha!"

"Okay, gramps, settle down," The black haired man suggested in a relaxed, jestingly manner, smoking his spliff.

Jiraiya stifled his laughter, "So, what can I, the great Jiraiya, do for my adoring fan?" He wondered, "Perhaps you would care to join me, your idol, in the pleasure of spying on pretty la-. I mean, doing… _research,_" he corrected himself, "Or maybe you just want me to sign your copy of my masterpiece Icha-Icha paradise?"

"I thought you wouldn't want me anywhere near your life's work after the time I finished off one of your volumes and handed it to one of em delivery ninjas to take to your editor, _pervy sage_." The black haired man said after taking out his spliff from his mouth to exhale the smoke he inhaled.

Jiraiya looked at the man in confusion.

"At the time it was a real bitch to chase down dat diehard delivery ninja, but you caught him like he wasn't shit gramps, only to be left pissed when you realized he was carrying a peace treaty from one lord to a next one to your editor; which could only mean your docs were heading on a one way course to a feudal lord." The man laughed heartily at the reminiscence while Jiraiya was looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Shit. I still can't believe dat dude was actually a fan of your works, and believed the other feudal lord dude sent it to him as a gift. Man. I would pay an ounce to see the look on his face when he realized his idol wrote like an amateur, if he disliked the middle and ending I wrote, y'know?"

Jiraiya did know, but how did he? There was only one person who could know of that embarrassing moment and from what Sakura had told him he and that Sasuke-guy were more or less gods now, so it _should_ be impossible for him to be here.

The information of which Jiraiya had picked up from one Renji, his old student was alive and well. So he definitely shouldn't be here.

Yet no one other than himself and his old student should know of the time Naruto and himself had to chase down _two_ delivery ninjas just to get his documents back, which his twerp of a student had shoddily finished, and idiotically given to a delivery ninja; unless he really was…

"Naruto?"

The black haired man grinned widely.

"Who did you think it was, Yusuke Urameshi?"

"Well I'll be damned, it is you, gaki!" Jiraiya chirped, standing up and holding his arms out to the side to give Naruto a hug, "How have you been, gaki? I didn't think I would see you up here so soon!"

"I just thought I'd roll up here for a visit," Naruto said cryptically, eyeing Jiraiya approaching him with a devilish gleam in his eye.

"Oh really? I should've known. I mean this can't be your appearance. Then there's the fact you bypassed the shakon-." Jiraiya could say no more as a rocket-esque object was blasted into his face and knocked him back to the fence, rocking it.

The only indication something had hit him was Naruto's free right hand being outstretched with his index finger being extended.

XxX

The ladies on the other side of the fence sharply turned their heads in the direction of the small tremor.

'That better not be that lech Jiraiya-sama or else I'm gonna pound him!' The pink-haired woman mused with an angry grit of her teeth, wearing nothing but a towel around her body.

"Who do you think that was, Sakura-chan?" A purple-haired woman murmured. She was a tall young woman with messy boyish purple shoulder-length hair, styled as two braids.

Her grey eyes simply observed the wall.

"I'm not quite sure Isane, but I have a good idea what it is," Sakura groused.

Isane sighed, "Can't we ever get a day without any disturbances?"

XxX

"Ow," Jiraiya groaned, holding his damaged headband and bruised forehead, "Damn gaki, what was that for? You hit harder than Tsunade-hime."

Naruto strode up to Jiraiya, kneeling down to his level with a devilish smirk on his face.

"I just wanted to ask you why you didn't teach me sage mode, gramps? What, did you not think it was a good idea or sumthin?"

Jiraiya paled. He hoped Naruto wouldn't bring that up. He really had no reason why he never introduced Naruto to sage mode. The little runt could've at least begun getting a feel for it while they were on their two year training trip.

After all, Naruto did master Minato's Rasengan technique in a week when it took Minato himself four years to perfect.

The Rasengan technique was admittedly small potatoes to the toad's powerful mode known as Sage mode, but it was still a mistake on Jiraiya's part that he had never shown it to Naruto.

Jiraiya held up his hands in a placating gesture, "N-now, g-gaki, let's not do anything rash here. I-I c-couldn't t-teach you sage mode because you never had enough control to master it. It did take me, the legendary toad sannin, fifty years just to master the incomplete version of sage mode."

That didn't mean Jiraiya was going to own up to his mistake so easily now.

"That's no excuse not to at least test the waters, gramps. You mastered an incomplete version of it for fuck's sake," Naruto ranted, making Jiraiya wince, "You wanna know sumthin? Even an incomplete sage mode coulda been a real big hand against the akatsuki, ya' know, the motherfuckers that wanted the fucking Kyuubi, and Sasuke, the bredrin whom I wanted to get back from pedo's lair. Maybe with sage mode I wouldn't have gotten bitch-slapped by my bredrin Sasuke the first time Sakura and I reunited with him."

"Y-Yeah, but you see Naruto, I was a busy man. What with my spy network, and my research I barely had enough time to even train you," Jiraiya defended himself in a nervous fashion.

"Dat's a load of crap and you know it gramps," Naruto said, taking a drag of his spliff, his temper immediately dying down, "Oh, and just for the record, I aced sage mode. Shit. I'd it down in a week."

Jiraiya sighed heavily, "I'm aware of that gaki. Sakura gave me all the details when she arrived here three hundred years ago."

"So you know about my victory over Nagato, eh?" Naruto asked, hiding his emotions at the mention of his old teammate Sakura.

"Yes," Jiraiya mumbled, giving Naruto a grin, "It warms a super pervert's heart to know his student is carrying on his legacy."

"Cut the sappiness gramps, I didn't do much except batter Nagato into submission and repeat what you've been telling him for years."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Turns out all one really needed to do was show Nagato whose boss. After I accomplished dat he was all up for kissing my ass. He even went as far as to raise all those suckers he murked from the dead, like Kakashi."

"Not me!" Jiraiya had a pout on his face, "I would've liked to come back to life too," He scratched his spiky white hair, sighing in reluctant acceptance, "I still can't let go of the fact I never took Tsunade-hime on one date."

Jiraiya perked up, grinning at the fence, "Well at least there's Tsunade-hime student. I gotta say, gaki, I can now see why you were pining for Sakura-hime all those years ago. She's grown up into one fine ass lady, one the great Jiraiya-sama will relish taking out on a date."

"Good luck with dat gramps," Naruto grumbled, making Jiraiya grin at him in a self-satisfied manner.

Naruto eyed the fence with a predatory gleam in his eye, "So Sakura's behind dat wall, eh? Having a dip in the hot springs, right?"

"Yeah. I've just spying on her for my own plea-, I meant to say, studying her beauty for my research," Jiraiya said.

"Sure. They say knowledge is power," Naruto mumbled.

"I gotta hand it to you, gaki; you're taking my… passion in stride. I suppose you finally see how my research is beneficial to men anywhere," Jiraiya smirked while Naruto moved over to the peek-eye hole, "You've done some real growing up, Naruto. I'm proud of you."

"Course." Naruto said, lining his eye up with the peek-hole.

"Hmph. Looks who's the pervert now," Jiraiya teased, pleased with the new pervert Naruto, "You won't be able to disrespect me in front of pretty ladies by calling me 'pervy sage' anymore, right pervy whiskers?"

"That's why I only called you pervy sage once, and that was only for old time's sake and so you'd know it was me, despite me disguising myself as the main dude from the manga YuYu Hakusho," Naruto explained.

"I thought it was weird that you were here," Jiraiya said, a serious look on his face, "I heard of your encounter with Captain-Kuchiki and Lieutenant-Abarai. So, it begs the question why have you decided to infiltrate the Seireitei? This is the worst possible place you could've come to, you know? You've basically walked into the lion's den."

"Possibly. I know the douches I murked yesterday had a cap on their powers, not that it woulda saved them from the ass-whooping even if they did have their full powers available to them."

Jiraiya couldn't help but smirk proudly. Naruto had come a really long way.

"Yeah. Most of the captains won't be much of a problem to you as you are now, Naruto. Who you really have to worry about, though, is the old man." Jiraiya warned.

"And who would that be?" Jiraiya knew he had Naruto's full attention.

"The head captain of the Gotei 13, Yamamoto Genryūsai Shigekuni." Jiraiya informed in a deadly serious manner.

"He must really be old if you're calling him old man, gramps," Naruto joked, yet there was no amusement in his voice.

"He is, he's over a thousand years old to be more precise."

"Damn."

"Tread carefully, gaki. You're in hot water here after what you did to Captain-Kuchiki and Lieutenant-Abarai. If there's one thing Yamamoto won't tolerate it's his own subordinates getting toyed with. He'll want your blood gaki. Watch out. He's by far stronger than any shinobi who has ever lived. He can destroy the world." Jiraiya explained gravely.

"Appreciate it." Naruto replied earnestly.

Jiraiya grinned, patting Naruto on the shoulder, "What can I say? I have a soft spot for you, Naruto."

"That, and I'm sure you're aware of the fact that not many of our kind have become shinigami. That's mostly due to the fact that it's an extreme rarity for one to keep one's memories after death." Jiraiya explained.

"Yeah. I kinda figured that when I only sensed you and Sakura."

Jiraiya nodded his head in acknowledgement.

"Now I think I should return the favour."

"What's that gaki?"

"The girls ain't in the bath house."

"WHAT?"

"No joke. They're standing behind us now."

Jiraiya quivered.

"Jiraiya-sama."

The old sage slowly turned his head at the low bellow to come face to face with a horde of angry women, led by one pink haired beauty with a towel wrapped around her beautiful body. As Naruto nonchalantly turned around with his hands in his pockets, he had to admit the towel did wonders to bring out Sakura's curves.

"O-Oh, h-hey, S-Sakura-hime; fancy meeting you here."

"Don't Sakura-hime me bub! What the hell do you think you're doing spying on us again? And you have the nerve to convince a young man to join you in your sick fantasies!" Sakura ranted.

Jiraiya held up his hands in a placating gesture, backing up, but it was all for naught as he ran into a dead-end: the fence.

"Now, Sakura-hime. At least h-hear my side of the story. I was just here doing… research."

Sakura lowered her head, her arms falling to her sides and her fists tightly clenched at her sides as she pouted furiously.

Naruto decided to give Jiraiya some friendly advice, so he leaned in close to his old master to whisper something in his ear, "This is the part where you run."

Jiraiya didn't need to be warned twice as he took off in a full on sprint.

"YOU COME BACK HERE!"

Sakura and the horde of angry ladies belligerently galloped after the perverted man with one reluctant Isane following after them; Naruto completely forgotten about.

"When will gramps learn? They're like a pack of wolves; they smell the fear on you and capitalize on it. You stay cool and they ain't got shit on you… unless by some miracle their power is equal or greater than yours. Then you got yourself a problem. Word."

XxX

(With Clone-Naruto - Rukia - Ichigo)

XxX

"So this is your pad?" Naruto guessed, eyeing the clinic Ichigo and Rukia had led him to, a natural expression on his face, "Seems legit."

"Thanks, I guess," Ichigo said, not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult. He decided to go with the former to save himself a trip to the floor.

"Hey, where're you heading to, gal?" Naruto asked, noticing Rukia moving away from the door.

"Like that's any of your business, jerk!" Rukia screeched, "And I'm not your gal. Hmph!"

"Course. Your Tangerine-boy's gal, eh," Naruto grinned, causing both Ichigo and Rukia to flinch, "You two must really dig each other."

"WE'RE NOT IN LOVE!" Ichigo and Rukia yelled simultaneously, huffing and puffing.

"Sheesh. Do you really think I would ever fell for an uncute midget like her?" Ichigo resorted with a look of annoyance on his face.

"Nor would I fall for a brainless beanpole like that dummy!" Rukia pouted.

"Who are you calling brainless, you uncute midget!?"

"Hmm, let's see, maybe the big dummy with the orange hair, bean pole!"

"Uncute midget!"

"Brainless bean pole!"

"Uncute midget!"

"Brainless bean pole!"

"Uncute midget!"

"Brainless bean pole!"

"Uncute midget!"

"Brainless bean pole!"

Naruto chuckled at the glaring duo, "When you love-birds admit your feelings for each other and decide to tie the knot you gotta make me your best man, since I was the one who got you two together."

"What makes you think I even wanna marry her!?" Ichigo raged, sighing in frustration, before adding in a dry, sarcastic remark, "Yeah, because I so loved the smurfs back when I was a kid!"

"Oh, what a coincidence, because I happen to hate Menos Grandes," Rukia resorted dryly, before pouting at a glaring Ichigo.

"Hmph!" Both Ichigo and Rukia turned away from each other with their arms crossed over their chests.

'Who needs to see a comedy show? I got a live one right here,' Naruto mused, chuckling slightly.

After Rukia and Ichigo had calmed down Rukia elegantly leaped onto the fence, spring-boarding off of it in a graceful roll and propelling herself skywards. She nimbly landed on the balcony, before sliding open a window which Naruto guessed led to Ichigo's room and disappeared into its confines.

"Show-off," Ichigo groused.

"She's one for style, eh," Naruto observed.

"You have no idea," Ichigo confirmed dryly.

"She shoulda just walked through your front door," Naruto said, "Even if your family don't know about her, now is a gud enough time as any, don't cha think?"

"Dunno," Ichigo shrugged, "My pops isn't big on guests staying over, especially guys."

"What's got him all up in a worry? You said it yourself that your sisters are eleven, right?"

"Yeah, bu-."

"But nuthin'. They've still got seven years to go until they'll be ready to get their cherries popped."

"Stop talking about my sisters like that!" Ichigo raged. The matters relating to the opposite sex or even sex itself was an extremely touchy subject for Ichigo.

Naruto just gave Ichigo a flat, listless stare, "You talking to me?" The sound of cracking fingers made Ichigo look down and saw the blond's fingers twitching like they were about to form a fist; a fist that would most likely fly into his face for raising his voice at Naruto.

"Sorry!" Ichigo squeaked.

A grin of self-satisfactory appeared on Naruto's face. It told Ichigo that Naruto was satisfied that he knew his place.

Ichigo sighed in frustration. He really wished he had the power to wipe that smug look off of Naruto's face.

"Look. I'm just not sure if my dad will be okay with a guy staying in the house around my sisters," Ichigo explained.

"Especially one looking to bone em' in seven years."

"Damn it, Naruto! Can you get your mind off of… _that,_ for five minutes?" Ichigo questioned.

"Of what?"

"Argh!"

Naruto laughed, "Sure. For now, I'll leave it _alone_. But once seven years go by, woo, you better lock up at night brotha, 'cause I'm comin' in there and hijacking their virginities," Naruto declared perkily, making the motions to indicate a wow moment.

As Naruto turned his back on Ichigo to amble over to the front door, he never noticed the burning resolve shining in Ichigo's eyes, 'Not If I can help it, you jackass! You're not getting my sisters!'

"You gotta key to this joint or what G?" Naruto called over his shoulder.

"Yeah," Ichigo let out a grunt as he treaded over to Naruto, "And don't call me G! I'm not a delinquent like you!"

Naruto let out a snort of amusement, "You don't even need to tell me, square."

Ichigo scowled at Naruto before reaching into his pocket and taking out a set of keys, "At least I get decent grades in school which is more than you can say."

"Yeah. You're a real goody-two-shoes," Naruto mumbled.

"Shaddap. I'm a straight-and-narrow student because I actually go there and pay attention in class," The cranky orange haired boy explained, shoving his house key in the key hole and turning it to open the door up.

"If you say so, brotha," Naruto replied indifferently, following Ichigo into his house.

"I do say so, and I'm not your brother!" Ichigo stated with resolve.

"Cool yourself, kid," Naruto suggested, annoyed, "You're way too uptight for someone of your age. You need to loosen up. Look, I don't often do dis, but you look like the kinda kid that needs it."

Ichigo turned his head over his shoulder to look at Naruto in confusion while his hand gripped the handle of another door. For a moment he thought Naruto was going to say something wise and truly beyond Ichigo's years.

…That was until Naruto put his troll-face on.

"I'll take you to a strip-club tonite; on me."

A red tinged formed across Ichigo's face.

"STOP IT! I WON'T DO IT! AS A MAN I REFUSE TO THINK OF WOMEN AS-."

A flying foot abruptly nailed Ichigo and knocked him down to the ground the moment he stepped through the door leading to the kitchen/living room.

"BE QUIET, ICHIGO! YOU'RE MAKING A RUCKUS!"

"Damn. Doc's got moves," Naruto complimented.

Ichigo jumped up to his feet to glare at a tall, muscular, spiky black haired man whom skin was tanned.

He had stubble around his chin, his eyes were dark, and he wore a white Dexter-esque lab coat over an orange Hawaii shirt with red pine trees printed all over it, black pants, and a pair of wooden sandals on his feet.

"You be quiet Goat-face! Can't you see I'm in an argument?!"

The nicknamed Goat-face turned his head to look at Naruto, and for just a moment the man calmed down, becoming a sensible man as his eyes seemingly probed Naruto.

For just a few seconds before he turned back to Ichigo with his hands on his hips, a pseudo-stern look on his face.

"Yes, I can see that! Just where have I gone wrong with my delinquent-son? You stay out late, even after curfew, hang out with the cool crowd, and now you're bringing hoodlums into my home! Why, boy, why must you treat your old dad like this?" Ichigo's dad bawled.

He hit the deck after a straight left-hand one-bomb jab connected with his face.

"Shaddap. Maybe if you didn't hit me every time you laid eyes on me I wouldn't 'quote-on-quote' mistreat you, you melodramatic, sad pension excuse of an old man!"

Isshin flipped up onto his feet and frowned disappointedly at Ichigo.

"You disappoint me m'boy, as you fail to comprehend the fundamental concept of our everyday training sessions! It's supposed to toughen you up, m'boy. Why do you think you've improved at a much faster rate than most other children your age? It's all because of the training!"

Isshin spun on the balls of his heels, holding up his elbow and bringing it around to wallop his 'delinquent-son' down to the ground; however, he sweated as he felt his elbow brought to a solid halt. It was like it had hit a brick wall.

That wasn't quite right. It was just Ichigo's hand.

"Training my ass! You call kicking my head in 'training'?"

"Of course m'boy, what else can it be? You're showcasing your improvement right now! Good job!"

Isshin exhaled sharply; a fist shot skywards buried into his gut.

"There's your training old man!"

Isshin wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"So you think you're ready to take on your old man, eh, m'boy?"

"Bring it!"

Then Ichigo and his pops engaged in their ritual brawl with a grey dust cloud encasing them; only their arms, legs, and heads were visible.

"What's he on? 'Cause I want some," Naruto mumbled idly, observing Ichigo battling his pops with a strange look on his face before choosing to leave them to it.

"Looks like they're at it again sis."

Naruto turned to the voice to find two little girls within the kitchen part of the room.

One had black shoulder-lengthened hair with two bangs framing her face and dark eyes. She sported a black t-shirt with a yellow number seven printed on the front and short red sleeves, and black three-quarter shorts reaching her knees.

Upon seeing Naruto, the girl's eyes remained as static as they were before he had even come in.

The girl sat across from the black haired girl sighed in reluctant acceptance seeing her popa and big brother going at it like they always did, "I do wish they would get along more."

Her appearance was at polar odds with the black haired girl's, being that she had light brown hair with short bangs hanging over the right side of her forehead and wore a strawberry-esque hairclip near her left ear.

She was garbed in a green hooded dress which reached her knees.

'Must be twins of yin and yang,' Naruto mused with an air of nonchalance about him.

"Meh. Let them have at it sis," The black haired girl suggested, "I'm sure Ichi-nii won't keep it up forever. Besides, he brought a friend over." The black haired girl uninterestingly pointed at an unamused Naruto.

"Huh?" As the brown haired girl followed her sister's finger, a cheerily smile found its way to her face once her eyes spotted Naruto, "Oh, hi there! You must be onii-chan's friend!"

Naruto shrugged lackadaisically, "Sumthin like dat."

The girl nodded her head enthusiastically, "I'm so happy onii-chan has a friend. I always thought he needed more friends to play with!"

'Kami knows I won't be playing with Tangerine boy,' Naruto thought, feeling a little awkward.

"Well Ichi-nii has Big-guy to hang with," The black-haired girl stated.

The light brown haired girl gave her a hum of acknowledgement before blushing in embarrassment as she realized she hadn't introduced herself to Ichigo's friend.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I almost forgot. I'm Yuzu, and that's Karin," Yuzu said cheerfully, pointing to herself and then to her sister Karin, who gave Naruto a lazy wave of her hand, "And-." She sighed again as she pointed to Ichigo and their father, who were both still battling it out, "That's our papa, Isshin, wrestling with onii-chan."

"And here I thought y'all would be named after fruits," Naruto mumbled, making Yuzu blush.

The girl never understood why her mama and papa named her and Ichigo after fruits.

"So are you gonna tell us your name or do we have to guess?" Karin asked, deadpanned. She had such a bland-expression on her face one might have thought Kakashi had found a way to live for three hundred years and got himself a family.

But unfortunately Kakashi was dead, deader than dead, dead in every sense of the word.

"Naruto," Naruto said, straight-faced.

"So, Naruto, have you and onii-chan known each other long?" Yuzu asked.

"Naw, I only met the kid after he bit off more than he can chew. Luckily for him I was in the turf," Naruto said, seeing Yuzu gasp, while he looked over his shoulder at the still brawling Isshin and Ichigo, "Is that like… I don't know, a ritual thing or something?"

"More or less, yeah," Karin shrugged in response, "They usually stop in like five minutes," At Naruto's noise of understanding, Karin dropped that matter to give the man an inquisitive stare, "Not important, though. What's this about you bailing Ichi-nii out of hot water?"

"I hope onii-chan didn't get hurt." Yuzu hoped with a look of concern on her face.

"The kid soaked up the damage like a champion sponge, then I came along and shooed the bad people away," Naruto assured, getting a thankful smile from Yuzu in return, 'Not like the kid tanked much damage anyway before I showed up to save his ass.'

Yuzu bowed to Naruto, "Thank you for saving onii-chan, Naruto."

"Don't mention it, really," Naruto waved off the appreciation in an apathetic manner, treading over to the girls and propping himself down in the chair next to Yuzu's, "I'll be staying here for a while to train Tangerine-boy."

"Tangerine-boy? Boy, you and Ichi-nii must really hit it off," Karin said with sarcasm evident in her voice.

"Like two peas in a pond," Naruto responded in kind, Karin rolling her eyes at the blond-man.

"So, whaddya got to eat around this place?" Naruto asked.

Yuzu tapped her chin thoughtfully, humming rhythmically, "Well I could make you my specialty, spicy chicken ramen?"

Naruto's mouth opened up and his hand covered it as if he had just witnessed an unfortunate sap receiving a one-bomb punch to the jaw in UFC; then he closed it but curled his lips outwards in a grin.

"Lady-Luck is singing my tune tonite."

Yuzu giggled merrily, "I take it you must really like ramen then, Naruto!"

"You've taken the words right out of my mouth. Ramen's one of a kind."

Ichigo finally got the upper hand against his pops, booting the man in his face and sending him sprawling across the floor.

"And what, old man!" Ichigo bragged.

Ichigo then twirled on Naruto, "Hey, you better not be getting fresh with my sisters, Naruto-san! They're not your type!"

"Onii-chan!" Yuzu whined, "Don't be so mean to your friend! He did save you from some meanies after all."

Naruto turned his head over his shoulder to look at Ichigo's shocked-face, giving him a smirk, "Yeah, Tangerine-boy, don't be so mean to your saviour."

Ichigo just wished he had heat-vision so he could burn a hole through Naruto's face, 'The bastard. He must've discreetly told them that he saved my ass from Renji!' Ichigo rationalized.

"Ichi-nii," Ichigo let his bad-tempered expression fade away, allowing curiosity to take its place; giving Karin his full attention, "What's all this about you training under Naruto?"

"Sorry, but neither of us can tell you dat info," Naruto answered.

Karin pouted at Naruto, "Why? What's so big that Ichi-nii has to get stronger to deal with?"

"Our lips are sealed. It's strictly sensei/student confidentiality. Ain't that right junior?" Naruto asked, looking at Ichigo.

"Yes, sensei," Ichigo grumbled drily.

"Fine! Have your boys' night out then. See if I care!" Karin grumped, receiving a sigh from Yuzu.

Naruto chuckled wryly, "Sorry, but I don't bend dat way, but you got jokes, gal. Soon enough you'll make someone a good wife."

Ichigo grunted in a ferocious fashion.

"Sup, lil man? Sounds like you're having a shit?" Naruto asked.

"You know why," Ichigo deadpanned, giving Naruto a pointed look to which the man shrugged off, turning away from Ichigo since the boy decided to make his way upstairs and get some rest before his training started with Naruto.

It was at this point Isshin chose to slowly make his way to his feet.

"Naruto, my pops, Isshin; pops, Naruto, he's staying here for how long I don't know. I need to lie down," Ichigo said tiredly, making his way to the stairs with a groan.

"Don't get comfortable 'cause we leave for training right after I finish the ramen Yuzu's making me." Naruto said.

Ichigo just made an incoherent angry noise while waving his hands in the air like he just didn't care.

Isshin drowsily rose up to his feet.

"What'd I miss?" Isshin asked.

"Well apparently Ichi-nii just rented out the guest room to Naruto here," Karin explained nonchalantly.

Isshin grasped his head, "He did, without even asking for permission from his old man!" Isshin hurtled over to a picture of a beautiful orange haired woman and sprawled his body across it, "Masaki! Where have I gone wrong with our delinquent son dear?"

"Your momma?" Naruto mumbled to Yuzu.

"Yes, she-."

"Got it." It was clear from how melancholy Yuzu sounded that lady Masaki was their deceased mother.

Admittedly, Naruto did feel for the kids, they were young and already they were down one parent. All the happy moments to come in their lives, such as graduating from high school and getting married were never going to be witnessed by their mother.

'Sasuke would make a better sensei to Tangerine-boy then me.'

Sasuke can even relate to the kid on the matter of losing parents.

The only thing which was needed to do was convince Sasuke to train Ichigo.

Simple.

Right?

Probably.

xXx

(Elsewhere)

The thirteen captains of the Gotei 13 were assembled in a wide room and lined up facing the captain across from them… exactly like they would if they were sitting on a desk.

The second division captain was standing across from the third division captain.

The fourth division captain was opposite to the fifth one, and so on and so forth.

The head captain was of course placed at the very top of the formation like a boss.

A meeting was in play regarding Byakuya and Renji's failed attempt to bring in missing fugitive Rukia Kuchiki.

Byakuya tried to arrogantly defend himself by stating if he'd his full power available to him that abnormal human wouldn't have stood a chance against him, but that was shot down by follow captain of the 12th division, Mayuri, whom had learned quite a lot of the human from his lieutenant.

He was one of the shinobis that used to roam the land three hundred years ago, and not just your run-of-the-mill shinobi either, but a shinobi with power capable of overwhelming theirs.

It was also worth to mention he not only had the remaining biju (sealed within him) yet to be brought in and placed within the royal palace for their own protection, but he was the descendant of one of the four heavenly guardians whom protected the ruler of all of spirit world.

Byakuya and Renji never stood a chance against him… even if their powers weren't capped off for safety precautions.

As the captains were stuck contemplating how they were going to bring Rukia in for punishment the captain commander's booming voice brought their musings to an abrupt halt.

"Come out now, I know you're there ryoka."

XxX

A frustrated Naruto stood with his back against the wall, right next to the room the captains were having their meeting.

"Fuck. How'd he know I was here? I thought I had completely masked my chakra-signature," The transformed Naruto mumbled to himself, sighing, "Oh well, guess there's no eavesdropping on their conversation now."

Naruto flicked on his lighter, "He didn't even give me the time to light up a smoke," As Naruto lit up another spliff, the man made his presence known to the captains by slickly meandering into the room.

"Well that's one way to invite someone in, eh." Naruto said lackadaisically.

"What is the meaning of this, Ryoka?" Demanded Tousen as he and Byakuya shunpo'd from their positions to apprehend the intruder, "Did that criminal Uzumaki send you? Both of you shall be brought to justice at once."

Tousen and Byakuya were both taken aback by a weight on their swords.

"That works," The transformed-Naruto said, crouching on the overlapping Zanpakutos of Tousen and Byakuya, leaving most of the captains gaping at his display of speed and flexibility. They didn't even see him move much less dodge the double sword-based clothesline of two experienced captains.

The eleventh division captain, Kenpachi Zaraki, was getting psyched just thinking of the great death fight he could have with this guy, 'Good reflexes. I wonder how he'll do in a fight,' Kenpachi had a crazed grin on his face, 'Hehehe. I can't wait to take him on.'

"Ah. How very graceful," Shunsui complimented with a relaxed smile on his face, tilting his hat downwards so it covered his eyes, "This could be a problem."

"How uncivilized that you would interrupt an important meeting," Byakuya said and Naruto flipped off of his and Tousen's Zanpakutos, smoking his spliff.

"So what? Is it slash on sight for every non-shinigami or am I just special like that?" Naruto quipped, "Can't a guy get a say around here before being thrown to the wolves? All I wanna do is negotiate with y'all."

"We have nothing to negotiate with a ryoka," Sui-Feng scoffed disdainfully, glaring at the man.

Naruto turned teasing eyes onto the second division captain, "Nice. I always like 'em feisty."

Gin burst out laughing while Soi-fon turned away from the man in a grumpy fashion, "Hahahahaha! This one's a real sly dog!" Gin observed jokingly.

"Enough of this!" Yamamoto boomed with authority, rapping the floor with his staff, "Explain yourself, ryoka. What means did you use to transport yourself within the region of the Soul Society? Furthermore, how did you breach the walls of the Seireitei? And why have you come here?"

The transformed Naruto looked behind himself at Tousen and Byakuya. The duo hadn't sheathed their blades, which meant they would attack if given the order by the old geezer with the wooden staff.

Naruto shrugged and reached into his sack-bag, pulling out a little white book with a man who had the wildest hairstyle ever on the front cover, "DBZ." Naruto threw the book at Yamamoto, who sliced it into a million little pieces so fast only Naruto foresaw his movements, "That's how."

"As for why I'm here I came to discuss the punishment of Rukia," Naruto said.

"She is to be arrested for surrendering her powers to one Ichigo Kurosaki," Yamamoto explained. To Naruto, it looked like he was squinting all the time.

That old man really needed glasses.

"Don't cha think that's a little harsh though gramps?" Naruto asked.

'So uncivilized; he has no respect for his betters,' Byakuya observed.

"Yes, I too had had my concerns regarding Rukia's upcoming trial," The white-haired, sickly 13th division captain, Ukitake, confessed.

"That's what I'm saying," Naruto said, thankful at least one of these captains seemed reasonable enough. "Rukia's not exactly something special, ya' know. Couldn't you just forget she ever existed?"

"Fool. Do not imply a noble such as Rukia is about as worthy as a common riff-raff," Byakuya reprimanded. Naruto couldn't tell if he actually cared about Rukia or if he just wanted to preserve his clan's dignity and respect.

Naruto simply meandered into the centre of the lined up captains. Seeing this, Tousen and Byakuya got a signal from Yamamoto to return to their spots, so they did via shunpo.

"Well Rukia was average enough to get laid out by a chump of a hollow," Naruto resorted, making Byakuya scowl, "I'm not seeing the need to hunt her down like a sick dog. Either kick her ass outta here or just suspend her without pay, simple."

"My apologises, ryoka-san, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stop smoking," The fourth division captain, Unohana, told Naruto benevolently, smiling pleasantly at him.

Naruto just nonchalantly took another drag of his spliff, before turning his head to gaze at the woman that had spoken to him, "Naw. I'm gud. I think I'll smoke it now, cah-peesh?" The captains winced and stiffened their postures at Naruto's response.

The fool didn't know what he was getting himself into.

"I'm sorry, but I fear I never quite caught that. Would you be so kind as to repeat it for me?" Unohana asked, her smile never fading from her face. Her smile spoke of a kind mother's warmth, but the malevolent reiatsu/aura leaking out of her contradicted her gentle appearance.

"Sure." Naruto shrugged, not affected by the weird woman's malevolent aura, "I'll smoke it now, cah-peesh?"

"You'll smoke it now, you say, ryoka-san?" Unohana questioned, still with that gentle smile on her face.

Naruto gazed bizarrely at Unohana before turning to face the captain opposite to her, Sosuke Aizen, the fifth division captain, "The fuck's up with her?"

"Ah. A last someone doesn't surrender to Captain-Unohana. That's quite the impressive achievement if I do say so myself," Shunsui complimented.

"What was that Captain-Kyoraku? I didn't quite catch that I fear," Unohana turned her gentle smile and malicious aura onto Shunsui.

Shunsui sweated instantly, "Oh, nothing, Captain-Unohana. I was just saying how good the ryoka's infiltration skills are," Unohana smile widened and her venomous aura died down, seeing as it was rendered useless on the black haired man.

"Pussy," Naruto mumbled.

"Oh that was so mean ryoka-san!" Shunsui whined comically.

"This is no time to be getting friendly with the enemy, Captain-Kyoraku!" Sui-Feng reprimanded.

Naruto tittered in amusement, "You guys kill it with the entertainment."

"We don't intend to amuse a ryoka," Sui-Feng then smirked, "Especially one who doesn't know his place, but you'll learn soon enough little ryoka."

"Oh lighten up, gal," Naruto admonished, treading over to Sui-Feng while taking a drag of his spliff, "Ya' know, a fine ass gal like yourself ought to have a queue of saps just waiting to kiss your ass."

"Spare me the flattery, ryoka," Sui-Feng said coolly, turning away from Naruto with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Only if you spare me a date," Naruto countered smoothly, draping an arm around Sui-Feng's shoulder, only to quickly remove it before a scowling Sui-Feng could bash it off, "Ain't dis convenient? You're a tigress, and I'm a tiger. Ain't dat a match made in heaven?" Naruto smirked teasingly, cupping Sui-Feng's chin and moving in to plant one on her lips.

Sui-Feng knocked his hand off of her chin, forcing Naruto to back up, but Sui-Feng wasn't finished there. She pressed on her advantage by launching a jab at Naruto, the henged-blond easily side-stepping her, leaning back and sticking his leg out for Sui-Feng to trip over it.

Sui-Feng tumbled and would've fallen over if not for the arm that draped itself around her waist and straightened her.

"Take it easy, tigress," Naruto suggested, pervertedly rubbing up Sui-Feng's thighs, making Sui-Feng feel uncomfortable.

"GET OFF OF ME!" Sui-Feng roared fiercely, trying to shake off Naruto's hold on her.

"Suit yourself," Naruto said languidly, abruptly letting go of Sui-Feng and watching her fall to the ground, "Hey, you said, 'let go,' so I did."

"I'm going to kill you," Sui-Feng whispered through grit teeth.

Gin couldn't stifle his laughter, "Hahahahaha. This ryoka's hilarious."

"Enough!" Yamamoto commanded, silencing his subordinates with Sui-Feng growling at Naruto and Gin tittering away, "Ryoka, by order of central forty six Rukia Kuchiki is to be escorted back here to receive punishment for the crime she has committed. I suggest the youngster Uzumaki allow us to do just that."

"I thought you gave the rules," Naruto muttered.

"That's not quite right ryoka-san. We help maintain the balance. It's the higher-ups who send out orders which must be obeyed to central forty six." Ukitake explained.

"So basically you don't make the rules, you just enforce 'em," Naruto said, earning himself a nod from Ukitake, "Well then lemme speak with these dudes who run dat forty six hangout. I'm sure we can work out an agreement."

"Impossible." Yamamoto shot that down.

"Why? You might as well. You would get rid of me a lot faster that way," Naruto reasoned.

"And who said we want to get rid of you?" Mayuri asked with a sadistic grin on his white and black penguin face.

"Explain." A dark look appeared on Naruto's face.

"I'm in needing of new subjects to experiment on." Mayuri said sadistically, "I would be most grateful if you came along. I'm keen to find out how you, ryoka, function and where you get your absurd amount of flexibility from. Oh, yes. I'll relish experimenting on you."

"Not before I get to fight him!" Kenpachi interjected with an insane grin on his face.

Naruto looked at the sensible one: Unohana, prompting her to explain.

"What they mean, ryoka-san, is keeping you here we hope to propose a trade with Uzumaki-san," Unohana said.

"So in other words, it's me for Rukia, eh?" Naruto asked, getting nods from the captains, "I shoulda known this wouldn't have worked, just had to try, though."

"You can come along peacefully," Yamamoto stated.

"And if I refuse?" Naruto asked darkly.

The sound of a sheathing blade made Naruto turn his head to look at a little kid around twelve to thirteen years old with a serious look on his face, "Then we're not beneath using force to bring you in." Toshiro Hitsugaya, the captain of the ten division, finished.

"You better take the easy option ryoka, because you won't want to know what I have in store for you," Sui-Feng smirked. Vengeance would be hers.

Naruto licked his lips, "Hmm. When you put it that way," He stalled to take in another ounce of his weed, "I'll go with option two, the hard way, bitches."

"Seize him!" Yamamoto ordered.

"Finally," Tousen murmured, blurring from sight using Shunpo, reappearing behind Naruto, "I don't have to bear your nonsense anymore." Tousen sliced Naruto's head off, stoically watching him fall to the ground, "Justice prevails." Tousen coolly sheathed his blade.

Kenpachi frowned, holding up his nameless Zanpakuto, "Well that's a bummer. He didn't even last long enough for me to get the rust off of this thing."

"Quit your complaining. This was about justice, not satisfying your own bloo-."

An explosion erupted from the ceiling and made debris dust fall in the spot Tousen was standing in. Once it cleared up, a blond haired man with a spliff in his mouth was revealed propped in a one-hand stand on Tousen's head. His other hand held a sack-bag and was pressed against his orange-fishermen hat to keep it from falling off.

"That's-."

"Naruto Uzumaki."

Ukitake started with a startled gasp and Shunsui finished with a relaxed grin on his face.

What was thought to be a headless black haired man was now no more but a mere log.

Praise the log.

"You just made yourself a powerful enemy, gramps," Naruto murmured, his hand beginning to crush Tousen's head.

"TOUSEN!" Komamura Sajin yelled, gripping a hold of his Zanpakuto, "Let him go, now!"

Tousen grunted painstakingly, "Damn. I shall not lose to you. Justice will see me as the clear winner here."

"You wish. Now have a nice lap," Naruto said, leaping up and twisting his body around, shredding Tousen's head up and sending the blind man flying away in a tornado-spin before he crashed into the wall.

"Snake bite." Naruto announced with a snigger.

"TOUSEN!" Komamura shouted.

Hitsugaya was gaping at Naruto's power, 'He rendered Captain-Kaname unconscious with just one attack. It appears this won't be as simple as we first perceived.'

"Hahahahahaha!" Kenpachi bellowed, racing towards Naruto, "Yes! You're the one I've been waiting for! Let's fight!" Kenpachi unleashed a sword strike on Naruto, who use his knee to knock Kenpachi's arm up, thus throwing his attack off course.

"You're awfully excited," Naruto observed.

Kenpachi grinned, "How can I not be? Why are you not? You should relish in the thrill of battle and being on the verge of death! That's what it means to fight!" As Kenpachi lectured this, he wildly and unskilfully swung his blade at Naruto.

Naruto just kept on sidestepping Kenpachi's attacks, "And they made you a captain? With these skills, anyone worth their salt could murk you son," Kenpachi belligerently lunged his old-fashioned looking Zanpakuto at Naruto's face after another missed strike, only this time Naruto caught his bladed weapon with his bare hand, Kenpachi widening his eyes as he struggled to pull his weapon away from Naruto.

"Hey! Let go, so we can resume the fight!" Kenpachi said gruffly.

Naruto took another drag of his spliff, then tucked it behind his ear, "Yeah. I'm not gonna do dat. You feel?" Naruto clenched his hand into a fist and stretched his arm back, "But I'll show you what I'm gonna do, though."

Kenpachi got the wind knocked right out of his sails from Naruto blasting his fist into his solar-plexus, blood flying out of Kenpachi's mouth.

"How's dat? Still feelin like you wanna take me on?"

"You kidding?" Kenpachi asked with a pained grin, "We're just getting started!" Kenpachi grabbed his eye-patch and threw it off of his eye. A mass amount of golden spiritual pressure exploded from Kenpachi, cracking the walls and bursting the roof off.

"You sure come packing, don't cha?" Naruto mocked, freely allowing Kenpachi to take his sword away from his grip, earning himself a crazed, battle-hungry smile in return.

"Now you're speaking my language!" Kenpachi roared, swiping his Zanpakuto sideways, Naruto ducking under Kenpachi's ungraceful strike. The blond delivered another blow to Kenpachi's abdomen, forcing more blood to spew forth from Kenpachi's mouth.

Naruto stood up and elbowed Kenpachi in the back of his neck, knocking him to the ground and opening up a crater on the ground.

"Best… fight…ever," Kenpachi managed before succumbing to unconsciousness.

"Well he's out. You ought to get Mr fight-o-holic to cut back on the fights," Naruto suggested, wiping his sandals on an unconsciousness Kenpachi's face, "Who's next?"

"**Scatter, Senbonzakura.**" Naruto looked to the call of an emotionless voice to see Byakuya with his sword raised, yet it had no blade, just an empty hilt. Regardless of that, there were still pink petals floating in front of Naruto.

Not willing to take any chances, Naruto swiftly blurred from sight, leaving the sakura-flowers to crash into each other.

The blond appeared in front of Byakuya and instantly trapped his head in a crushing grip, raising the man into the air, "Hey. Sup, Robot-cop? You're not still sore about the ass-whooping I gave you the last time we went at it. Right? Naw. Of course you're not. You're too busy tryin to kidnap your own sis, huh."

"Captain-Kuchiki!" Komamura rushed to Byakuya, "Infidel. Put him down this instance. I won't allow you to injure my comrades anymore!"

Naruto turned around to face the speeding captain, "You want him? Come get him." He brutally smashed Byakuya's head into Komamura's helmet with such force his helmet shattered, revealing an animal of the canidae community in its place.

"All howl and no bite," Naruto quipped, releasing Byakuya from his grip, and watching him and the-wolf-man fly off into the wall on their way to sleep-land, "Next."

'Damn. He's dismantling us one by one.' Sui-Feng thought in frustration, 'However, I won't surrender to a ryoka! Not him! Not ever! The head captain has given us an order and I, for one, shall see it through, as it's my duty of a captain of the Gotei 13!'

"I will be your opponent ryoka," Sui-Feng stated in an icily cold manner, glaring angrily at the lecherous smile Naruto gave her, "Get your mind out of the gutter!" Sui-Feng roared, powering up her golden aura, "**String all Enemies to Death**," Sui-Feng's wakizashi morphed into a black and gold gauntlet with a small chain that linked it with Sui-Feng_'s middle finger._

A rude girl, eh. Oh. Naruto liked that.

"And I shall assist you, Captain-Sui Feng," Hitsugaya said seriously, holding his Zanpakuto in front of himself, "**Reign over the Frosted Heavens, Hyorinmaru**." Hitsugaya's Zanpakuto extended slightly, morphing into a crescent-shaped blade attached to its hilt by a long metal chain.

"As you wish," Sui-Feng accepted stoically.

"Kid, you can just take your little sword and go on home. This is between grown-ups," Naruto said condescendingly.

"I'M NOT A KID!"

"Well you look like one to me tyke."

"Well I'm not. And for your information it's captain-Hitsugaya to you."

"You say tomato, I say tomato."

Sui-Feng sped in front of Naruto. She really wanted to smack the challenging smirk off of his face, but resisted and instead made ten copies of herself via moving in each direction at an insanely fast speed.

"Speed clones," Naruto guessed with a snort of amusement, "Not bad."

"As I'm well versed in the art of Shunpo, I can make speed clones of myself," Sui Feng explained.

"Hey, thanks for telling me baby-cakes, but that's still not gonna save you," Naruto said, making Sui-Feng scowl at the nickname.

"You're going to regret saying those wo-." Naruto speedily jetted over to all of the Sui-Fengs and blasted them out of existence with several sharp kicks to their faces, sending the real one flying into the wall, "Damn you," Sui-Feng cursed, falling on her rear-end.

"**Hyorinmaru**!" Toshiro yelled. He jerked his arm back then propelled it forward, a scaly ice creature with blood red eyes shooting out of his Zanpakuto and rocketing itself at Naruto.

The man-child glared darkly at Naruto, "We'll just see who's a kid now."

"You call dat a dragon tyke? I'll show you a dragon," Naruto said, flashing through a series of hand-seals, '**Katon: Gōryūka no Jutsu** (**Fire Release: Art of the Dragon Flame**),' Naruto's chest puffed out as Toshiro's ice dragon neared him.

As Naruto opened his mouth, a massive swirling flame spewed forth, moulding into the shape of a fiery dragon.

Naruto's fire dragon went toe to toe with Toshiro's ice dragon in a battle for dominance. Due to the fact that half of Naruto's power greatly topped Toshiro's power, Naruto's dragon easily won the battle; never mind the fact fire beats ice all day, every day of the week.

Toshiro's poor ice dragon never stood a chance against the might of Naruto's fire dragon.

Word.

"So he spits fire from his mouth," Shunsui observed, for once his mellowed expression wasn't on his face but a grave one was on it instead.

This guy was dangerous.

"No," Toshiro murmured in horror. It was his worst nightmare. He hated heat in general, let alone fire of this magnitude.

Luckily for him he was spared the misfortune of experiencing heat by a bulky figure towering in front of him.

"Head-captain," Toshiro identified. The head captain had shunpo'd in front of him to save him from Naruto's city block-eradicating jutsu.

"That shall be quite enough, youngster," Yamamoto boomed, rapping his staff on the floor.

"I agree." Naruto mumbled, 'Judging from the way the old geezer here stopped the rest of this building from burning to ashes, he musta absorbed my flames. Gramps wasn't kidding; this old fart is class above the others,' Naruto wasn't ready to deal with Yamamoto, not until he had dealt with those other captains.

"You're gonna wish you had accepted my peace-offering of letting Rukia go," Naruto stated, placing his index and middle fingers to his temple.

"I shall handle this beating myself," Yamamoto declared.

"Watch your back 'cause I'll be lying and waiting in the shadows for one little lapse of concentration from you. But for now, see-ya," Yamamoto fazed out but the moment he reappeared in Naruto's position, the blond had already disappeared.

"Infidel!" Yamamoto yelled, "Locate the ryoka at once!"

"Oh my, things are about to get interesting around here." Gin said with his forever-lasting grin.

XxX

(Kurosaki-residence - Clone-Naruto - Yuzu - Karin - Isshin)

XxX

"Ahhh. Dat hit the spot." Naruto burped, sitting aside a third empty bowl.

"Are you done now?" Karin asked dryly, getting a nod from Naruto, "Good grief, you're gonna eat us out of house and home by this rate."

"With ramen dat gud, who can blame me," Naruto grinned, "Thanks, Yuzu-chan. You're one mean-cook. If I ever get a restaurant you'll be the first one on my list of employees to hire. For real."

"Thanks, Naruto. I'm glad you liked It," Yuzu giggled, only to sigh afterwards, "I'm glad you do. Onii-chan won't touch any ramen-meals I make. He says it's bad for him."

"Then I'll just have to make him see otherwise now, won't I?" Naruto said, giving Yuzu a mischievous wink, earning himself a smile from her, "Yo, Tangerine-boy, come down here already. It's high time we roll."

A slam sounded off upstairs before a quick succession of thuds echoed throughout the air.

"Yeah, I got the message. Let's just get started with this already," Ichigo groused languidly, stepping into the kitchen wearing a long black, Neo-esque, trench coat.

"Have fun Ichi-nii," Karin said nonchalantly.

"Thanks, I'll try to keep that in mind," Ichigo responded dryly.

Naruto stood up and walked over to Ichigo, "Try to think of it dis way, a challenge of how long you can last in my military camp. I'm betting you'll be willing to quit in a week."

"It can't be that hard, can it?" Ichigo asked curiously, a little bit of anxiety creeping into him.

"Dunno. You can tell me after one week is up," Naruto suggested, giving Ichigo a dark smirk that got the boy to cringe, "That is, if you can still talk."

'Okay, now I'm a little worried,' Ichigo admitted mentally, mustering up some confident with his next choice of words, "Meh. No matter how hard it is, nothing's impossible, right? I'll just ace it eventually," Naruto shrugged at the boy's logic.

"That's the spirit m'boy!" Isshin said cheerfully from where he was sat watching EastEnders on the telly, "You're making your papa so proud. To think you've stepped up from our father/son training sessions to a military camp. Way to go!"

"Shaddap, Goat-face! You didn't train me for shit! You just kicked my head in the first chance you got."

"How could you say that, my delinquent-son!? Where have I gone with you?"

Ichigo grunted ragingly at his pops.

"I think you better take him out now, otherwise you'll be here until the cows come home." Karin suggested lazily.

"You're right." Naruto agreed, turning to Yuzu and making a beckoning motion towards her.

Yuzu understood, running over to Naruto who squatted down to embrace the girl, "Aw, dat's right. Show Uncle Naruto the love." Naruto joked, hugging Yuzu before pecking her on her cheek.

"Hey!" Ichigo raged.

"What?" Naruto wondered, letting go of Yuzu and straightening himself to his full height, "You want some too?" Naruto held out his arms and approached Ichigo, "Alright. Here's yours," Naruto threw his arms around Ichigo, the boy giving him a strange look as Naruto gave him a few taps on his back.

When Ichigo oddly and awkwardly returned the favour, a shocked-expression appeared on his face, 'What the hell!? He's ripped! It feels like I'm touching a solid boulder here!' Ichigo frantically mused.

"Aww," Yuzu saw the whole bro-love between Ichigo and Naruto as a touching moment between the two.

But Ichigo didn't. He in fact felt petrified when Naruto pecked him on his cheek.

"GAH!" Ichigo freaked out as he pushed himself away from Naruto, "What the hell are you doing?" Ichigo was furiously scrubbing away at his infected cheek with his sleeve, trying to wipe the man spams away.

"What's wrong with Naruto-kun kissing you, onii-chan? He kissed me?" Yuzu reasoned.

"It's not right!" Ichigo yelled, "Damn, I think I'm going to be sick!" Ichigo ran towards the bin and threw his head into it.

Naruto just stabbed his hands into his pockets, "Haven't you ever seen the Godfather? Those brothers kiss each other all the time and 'em guys-," Naruto shook his head, "-You don't wanna mess with 'em."

"I just don't like getting mooched by others, especially by… guys!" Ichigo shouted, lifting his head out of the bin with a sickly expression on his face, "Damn it! It's gonna take me weeks to get my face clean!" That doesn't mean he wasn't going to try, though.

Ichigo turned on the hot water, grabbed a rag, drenched it with washing up liquid and hot water, and started to furiously scrub away at his face.

All the while Ichigo desperately repeated the words, "Must get clean!"- Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

"He's a sensitive one, isn't he?" Naruto mumbled to Yuzu.

"Onii-chan likes to be a toughie." Yuzu explained with a sigh.

"Naw. It's not dat. He probably doesn't wanna get whipped," As Yuzu glanced up at Naruto in confusion, the blond kneeled down and draped an arm around her waist to reel her in to whisper in her ear, "Between you and me, he's got a gal hiding up in his room?"

Hope filled Yuzu's eyes. She always wanted her onii-chan to bring home a lady-friend, so she could talk girl-stuff with her and be best friends with her. Her sister Karin wasn't the girly type, more along the lines of a soccer girl.

"Really? But when'd onii-chan sneak her in?"

"Probably at night time," Naruto lied with an expert shrug, "Go in his room and snoop around after we leave. You'll find her."

"Okay, thank you Naruto-kun." Yuzu cheerily hugged Naruto in appreciation.

"Aw. You're welcome, Yuzu-chan. Anything to mess with Mr Grumpy pants," Naruto said in a teasing voice while Ichigo finally meandered back to him after grinding at his face ten more times in quick succession.

"What were you two talking about?" Ichigo asked curiously.

Naruto stood up, draping an arm around Ichigo's shoulder, "Nuthin other than what's for dinner the next time we stop by," Naruto sent a secretive wink at Yuzu, which earned himself a giggle from the girl.

"Okayyyyyy," Ichigo drawled out. "Guess we should get going."

"Amen."

* * *

xXx

(Omake)

xXx

As Naruto and Ichigo treaded out of the Kurosaki's residence, the blond gave Ichigo a sudden command.

"Touch my shoulder."

"Why?"

"'Cause now that we're out of your pad, we can just teleport to anywhere I want."

"Really?"

"Hell yeah."

"Where did you learn that?"

"Oh. I picked it up from Dragon Ball Z."

A dry look appeared on Ichigo's features, "You learned a technique by reading a manga?"

"Yep. You should try it too. Works like a charm."

After giving it a moment's thought, Ichigo had to admit picking up techniques from books he had read that features supernatural was pretty handy, especially ones that allow you to move at the speed of light.

Ichigo would have to ask his new… sensei if he could teach him Goku's instantaneous transmission technique.

"Could work, I suppose," Ichigo agreed, getting a nod from the blond before he touched Naruto's shoulder, "So! Where're we heading?"

"You'll see when we get there."

XxX

(Elsewhere)

The air was fresh. The birds were chirping in the distance. There was a huge waterfall mountain, and some other mountains, and a few trees here and there scattered around the field. This was the place where Naruto and Ichigo had appeared in not even a second after disappearing.

Naruto inhaled deeply, taking in the scenery, "Ahhh." Naruto exhaled, "A gud way to save money is to get high on life."

"Huh?"

"Never mind that," Naruto grossed over the topic of him smoking weed. He would offer the boy a drag later, "It's time to begin your training."

"Okay, cool," Ichigo said. Ichigo reached into his pocket and pulled out a small green pill, "The midget said she didn't want to be around you, so I brought Kon along instead. He'll look after my body while we train."

"Huh? Look after your body?"

Ichigo nodded, putting the pill into his mouth. Naruto was intrigued when another Ichigo immediately spouted from Ichigo physical body, only this one was garbed in shinigami-garbs and had that huge broadsword Ichigo carried the night Naruto rescued him and Rukia from Byakuya and Renji.

"About time Ichigo! Why you gotta be disrespecting the great Kon-sama like this? I didn't wanna be here helping you, you jerk!" Kon ranted in Ichigo's body, then got all teary-eyed, "I wanted to stay with nee-chan! Oh nee-chan you must be so lonely without me there to cuddle on your warm chest. Nee-chan!"

"Shaddap, Kon! Just keep my body warm while I do this!" Ichigo commanded grumpily, eliciting a flinch out of Kon who crossed his arms over his chest with a childish pout on his face.

"Who died and made you the boss?" Kon grumped.

"What the fuck's dat thing?" Naruto wondered calmly.

"Hey! I'll have you know I'm a mod soul, not a thing! And I'm the greatest, most respected, handsome mod soul there is! I deserved boobies for being this great!" Kon shouted indignantly.

"I like the way you think bredrin." Naruto complimented and Ichigo grinded his temples.

He was stuck with a couple of perverts.

Fuck his life.

"Hmph. Finally someone who understands me," Kon said with a cocky air about him, "At least some people do!" Kon glared at Ichigo, "You don't respect me. You always look down on me, the little guy. And deny me of my one true treasure: boobies."

"Kon, would you just shaddap and gimme some space to train!" Ichigo requested assertively, gnashing his teeth.

"Fine. I'll leave you to it." Kon pouted, ambling away from the two.

"You better not cause trouble in my body!" Ichigo warned.

"How could you say that after all we've been through Ichigo?" Kon cried melodramatically, "Don't you trust me, your best friend?"

"Jeez wiz, lemme think," Ichigo made a show of mockingly holding a finger to his chin, "No! And when were we ever best friends?"

"Hmph. Nee-chan's right. You're a jerk. Well I'll show you I can be the most well behaved civilian ever! You'll see." Kon promised as he raced away to do… something.

"Yeah, my ass you will," Ichigo muttered underneath his breath.

"I like him already," Naruto grinned.

"Yeah. You would, perv," Ichigo groused, but the only response he got from Naruto was a shrug.

"So. Whaddya want me to do, coach?" Ichigo asked, still feeling a little awkward to be calling Naruto his coach.

His answer came in the form of a hard right that knocked him to the ground.

"Dodge."

"Hey! You just sucker punched me! That's not fair!"

Ichigo bounced off of the grassy field and cracked it after getting booted by Naruto.

"Dodge."

"Damn it, Naruto! Would ya give me a damn chance to get to my feet and defend myself!"

Ichigo staggeringly sat up, trying to stand up, but the exhaustion of receiving two wall-level blows was too much for him and he went on all fours.

Naruto's foot met Ichigo's chin and blasted the boy off of the ground, launching him several feet away from Naruto before he harshly landed on the grassy field again.

"Dodge."

"Argh. This is gonna be a long day."

XxX

(Hours later)

Ichigo panted. His face was a mess. It was coated with sweat and his left eye was swollen from Naruto's constant beating of him. His clothes didn't look any better, as tattered holes could be seen on his kimono. And he was missing one half of his hakama.

"That guy's a freaking maniac! He's gonna kill me if I don't get as far away from him as possible." Like deporting the country to get away from Naruto, "I think I've finally lost hi-."

A left hook to Ichigo's jaw slammed the boy into the mountain where his body made a little dent in it before he fell to the ground.

"Dodge."

XxX

About thirty minutes later, Ichigo was standing nervously in front of a stoic-looking Naruto, trying to keep light on his toes so he could dodge Naruto's ridiculously fast and powerful punches.

Ichigo didn't dare say anything in fear of having a lapse in concentration and being forced to pay the consequences.

Ichigo paid them anyway when he received an immense knee to his solar-plexus.

"Dodge."

XxX

(Night time)

"Huff, huff," Ichigo wheezed, on all fours with his Zanpakuto held in his grip, "I can't believe I survived that. I don't think I can take another day of this."

A wave of water flew at Ichigo and nailed him into the ground, leaving the boy groaning painstakingly in a crater.

Naruto just nonchalantly meandered to Ichigo with his hands in his pockets.

"We're gonna have to work on your dodging."

"Aw man."

* * *

**Sakura's base power-level**

**Sakura's destructive power - Boulder level**

**Sakura's speed - Faster than the eye can see level**

**Yeah. So, I got into this 'discussion' with this individual and I guess what? You're never gonna believe this? He actually believes Sakura is small country level. No bullshitting. **

**He even Pm'd me his own little power-chart of the Big 3 and Fairy Fail.**

**You wanna see? Have a look below.**

**Moon/Small Planet level tier characters**

1st Naruto: 10 ( Juubi, Rikudo Sennin and his brother, Kaguya, Indra and Ashura, Six Sages Naruto, Sasuke with Rinnegan, Juubidara, Gai 8th gate)  
2nd)Bleach: 1 *( Soul King possibly)  
3rd) One Piece: 0  
3rd) Fairy Tail: 0

Continent level tier characters

1st One Piece:7 ( Prime Whitebeard, Prime Chijano, Prime Sengoku, Prime Grap, Moneky D Dragon, Current Blackbeard, Prime Kong)  
2nd Naruto: 6( Madara revived with Hashirama cells and Senjutsu, Obito with Juubi, Gai without limts 7th gate, Sage+ Buu Mode Naruto, Senjutsu Sunasoo Sasuke, Incomplete Juubi)  
3rd Fairy Tail: 2*( Zeref and Acnologica possibly)  
4th Bleach: 0

Country level  
1st)Naruto: 2 ( EMS Sunasoo Sasuke, 100% Bjuu Naruto)  
2nd)Fairy Tail:* 2( Zeref and Acnologica possibly)  
3rd) Bleach: *2( Bach with Yamamoto's Bankai, EoS Ichigo)  
4th) One Piece: 0

Small Country level

1st )Naruto:12( Killer Bee, Naruto Bjuu from base, Sakura with Baygoku, Sasuke EMS, Kakashi , Hashirama, Tobirama,Hiruzen, Karin, Madara Uchiha,Spiral Zetsu, Minato post Bjuu)  
2nd )Fairy Tail: 4* ( Four Gods of Isghai)  
3rd )Bleach: 2 ( Yamamoto in Bankai, Kenpach in Bankai )  
4th)One Piece: 0

Muilt Mountain/ Island level

1st)Naruto:12( All the Bjuus, Pre Bjuu Minato, Itachi Heatlhly, Kabutomaru, Obito Pre Rinnegan, Nagato)  
2nd) Fairy Tail: At least 10( 7 Major Dragons , END, Future Rouge, Hellfire Natsu brefily )  
3rd) Bleach:7 ( Dangai Ichigo, Monster Aizen, Byakuya, Kenpachi in Shikai, Renji, Rukia,Yamamoto in Shikai)  
4th)One Piece: 5 ( Marineford Whitebeard, Four Yonkos )

City/Mountain level  
1st) Naruto: 26( all Kages, past and present which is about 21 not counting the the overpowered Hokages,Mifune, CHoji, Lee, Jiraiya, Orochimaru )  
2nd)One Piece: 15 ( 4 Admirals, 7 Warlods,Timeskip Monster Tiro,Law)  
3rd) Fairy Tail: 12 ( All 5 FT S class mages, Kagura, Jura, Marakov, Hades, Minvera, Natsu, Gray)  
4th) Bleach: 11( Shunsui,Ukitake, Vizard Captains, Yoruichi, Isshin, Kisuke, Ukitake, Tessai,Aizen pre Hoyguku all in Bankai, R2 Ulquorria, H2 Ichigo)

Town/Small City level  
1st)One Piece: 26 (Most of the other timeskip strawhats, many of Dofalmingo's henceman, Vice Adrmials)  
2nd)Fairy Tail: 20( All timeskip A rank mages barring Natsu and Gray,Oraicon Seis)  
3rd)Bleach: 14 ( Top 4 Espadas, Vizard Captains in Shikai,Yoruichi, Isshin, Kisuke, Ukitake, Tessai,Aizen pre Hoyguku all in Shikai)  
4th)Naruto: 7 (Ao, Shusui Uchia, Temari, Deidara with C-3,Kisame base, G** base foruth shinobi world war,Itachi sick base )

City Block/Muilt City Block level  
1st)Fairy Tail: 22 ( Current B rank mages, PTS A rank mages)  
2nd)One Piece: 20( CP9,PTS Supernovas)  
3rd)Naruto:15 ( Most of Konoha 12, Asuma, Kurenai, Chojirio, , Black Zetsu,Hidan, Kakukzu,Inochi, Shikaku, Choza, Shizune)  
4th)Bleach: 13 ( Many Captains, Vizard Vice Captains, Espadas 5-10)

**Just when I thought the fandom couldn't get anymore retarded, that, folks, that got sent to me. What is that guy smoking? Uiquiorra would destroy Sakura without even blinking and he believes Sakura and Karin are above Bleach.**

**Madness. Nuff said.**


End file.
